After a wonderful afternoon yesterday and then what I thought was a great night with some friends Master and I went home and I got reprimanded once again for something I seem to do a lot anymore. During the evening, I included in conversation my past play, possible weaknesses and flaws that Master, being new, has and I didn’t know when to hold me tongue and what was hurting him. I don’t know why I do that. It’s not really bragging anymore, but just trying to involve myself in conversation, feel hmmm, accepted. I guess I haven’t realized that I am accepted as I am, not as I was. I feel bad for hurting Master as I did, and I know I need to learn to watch my tongue. Master suggested a signal system till I can get it through my mind to think before I speak. Something that will tell me I’ve stepped boundaries, or am talking out of turn. I think we should try that, for I am afraid of making him look anything less than what he truly is. He is a wonderful man and the natural control he wields is more than my mind can comprehend.

This weekend also begins my diet plans. I have to write down times and amounts of food I’m eating for a week so that we can see if my weakness is snacking, binges, or just overconsumption. Then we can work on that as well as getting me up and moving. Life will be hard come January, but I truly feel the need to loose weight and feel healthy again. I want to get back to my weight at high school graduation. That would be 100 lbs lost. Some day I will get there, and I hope Master can help me without making me feel like it’s too hard of a challenge. I hope to make him happy with me.

Tomorrow we are going to play I hope. I’m kinda feeling the pull to have some pain play, some sense of submission, helpless play, anything where I can give myself over to Master completely. I need to shave tonight so that I am perfect for him. I am hoping that soon I will be able to open myself completely and be my raw self. I have been scared to do that with him. A relationship scares me, there is so much more involved than just being. I have opened up to play partners in the past only because I know there isn’t anything more to it. With him, I have to give him all, and then hope that the fates that be will bring me back and I can be a person again. I’m afraid that my raw self is so exposed, and I shelter and protect myself, always have. To be vulnerable is to be weak, and I can’t let him see how weak I can get.

I am again drawn to the fact that Master will be here without visa in a few weeks and then what do we do? He needs a job so badly, I’m terrified that I will come home from class one day and they will have taken him away. It is just so hard to find a company that is hiring here, so hard to see that fulfilled. All I can do is hope for a miracle.

Christmas is coming and we have to spend it with my father. I am not looking forward to it much. My father and I have had strained relations since the abuse ended. I know it is over, and Master can protect me, but I still don’t know how I will survive days with Dad. My sister gets married on the 22nd and I am so excited about it. She is so happy now, with a new baby and a new life. I am glad that I was able to help by giving her my dress to wear. She looked so beautiful in it, and I know she wouldn’t have had anything like it without me.

Finals are next week and I am getting nervous about vacation and all the free time. I want to get so much stuff done, and yet I know with Master here I will want to be with him as well. We shall see just how much I get done.

–luna