Last night was full of ups and downs. I never realized how badly I needed play, and when it was all said and done, I felt wonderfully warm, sore and happy that Master was so good to me (or is that considered bad?). We tried a new bondage position that had been occupying my dreams of late, and it turned out to be quite fun. My bum is still a bit sore today, but that is a wonderful reminder of the fine time I had last night.

Then later, after we had relaxed and watched tv for awhile, I made a request. I asked to have an orgasm, as I hadn’t had one in the scene and was aching for release. When Master said no many thoughts came to mind. Ones that made me upset, frustrated, confused and then annoyed with myself. I thought why not? He got his, why can’t I have mine? Why can’t I go masturbate to feel release? Why can’t he allow me the pleasure of release when I so kindly- asked? Why did I give him that right anyhow? What makes him decide whether I should have one or not? Am I submissive if I question what he says? Do I do it, and face punishment? At least I’d get what I wanted. I’m his submissive, I have no right to think like this, his say is final, why am I arguing with myself?

I cried for awhile, not sure of the answers to all this, and not sure how to talk to Master either. He was worried for me, and rightly so I’m sure. I’m still not certain of all the answers but I know that I have to give him final say. His decisions with my life are for the betterment of me. I should trust him to know what I need and if he thinks I don’t need an orgasm, then I should accept it as the right decision. Frustration really sucks.

In the early morning Master came to bed and woke me up to play with me again, this time during sex I was allowed to have an orgasm and I was so relieved from the stress I had felt. I still don’t get why some orgasms are better than others though. I woke up just as horny as I was last night and no clue why. I got what I thought I needed in the middle of the night, I shouldn’t need any more. *sigh*

I have to do some major studying for finals coming on Tuesday. I’m really nervous about the linguistics test. I hope I have learned everything I can. I need to do some reading for it yet, and review. My other exam isn’t hard at all. I hope to get going on a few floggers that I had planned to be done with for Christmas as well.

There is the task of making bracelets to replace the cuffs I wear at night so that when we are at Dad’s we don’t have to worry about questions. I am waiting to hear from my sister as well about the wedding. I don’t know when she wants me there. I don’t know how long I want to spend with my father either.

Well, today has a full slate, I guess I should get going on it.

–luna