BDSM is Love

I am becoming the person I had always hoped I could be. However, things are progressing so slowly that it makes me ask why I am not allowing changes into my life. Why am I rebelling at the small things that I know will make my life, my submission, my happiness the fullest measure? When I chose to be this way, a submissive, I knew that changing would be a part of life and that I would have to accept changes in my behavior, personality, and other personal choices. I don’t really see why I would balk at them, and yet my mind is rejecting them and only very slowly allowing me to change.

Could it be that I am just not capable of change? Master says that he sees small changes in me from time to time, why can’t I see them? Why do I feel like I’m working so hard to be the woman he wants, and yet not finding fulfillment in it myself. I am constantly telling myself I can do better, do more, be more….

We are going to munch tomorrow. It aught to be a fun event. Master has imposed a new “lifestyle protocol” that will remind me of my station and hopefully show everyone that I love and respect my Master, and want him to be proud of me. I am not sure how I will acheive this right away, but I will do my best to make him happy. I am hoping that the weather is nice tomorrow so that I can wear what I want to wear without being too cold. Master wishes me to wear something revealing, and so I have an outfit in mind.

I have realized that I am spending way too much time in front of the computer, and I know Master doesn’t like that either. I think he is going to impose a time restriction for everyday usage. I know it will be hard to adjust at first, but I think it would be all for the better so that I can do the other things around the house and for myself that really need to be done. I don’t remember that last time I did any housework. My creativity is in a standstill as well, and I should be figuring out my business and working on floggers.

It is pagan’s birthday this next week. Hopefully I can remember to send her a card. I’m usually not very good at that, but I think with this reminder, I can at least tell her happy birthday tomorrow at the munch if she is there. I’ve also been thinking a lot of my other friend, az, who has had to deal with her father’s illness and time in the hospital lately. She has really be thrown off kilter and I know that she is struggling when she says she hasn’t slept well, and that she is behind in thoughts. I will continue to worry about her till I know things are going a bit better.

My best friend’s birthday is next week as well. I miss Liz so very much since she moved. I think about her almost on a daily basis and wish I could just be with her from time to time like I used to. I miss Isaac, her son. He made my day so much brighter and I loved talking to him and heck, even miss watching his cartoons with him all the time. I hope that I can get to see her this summer. I am planning on getting some money together to fly down there for a visit. I hope I can do that. The world is nothing without her around. I don’t think I would have survived all the hard times in my life if she wasn’t there.

Valentine’s day is right around the corner, and although we really don’t have anything special planned, I hope we can have a wonderful day of love and show of commitment to each other. I know Master wants to play, and I welcome that. I love to feel his hand lash across my behind, the flogger on my back, and his soft lips on mine. I need that forever, and long for the control and power he has over me in my sleep and every waking hour is about him.

He will be done with his first project tonight. Money will be on the way to pay for a couple bills, namely the Internet bill, and definitely some groceries. I am not sure how much will be left after we pay some bills, but it has to last till he is done with the big project. He makes me so proud to know that he wants to take care of us, and that working is important to him. I guess I have just been with losers for too long to know what a real man is like. He is wonderful.

–luna