I seriously need a kick to the head. Just over a month ago I asked Master for a list of rules and services to follow. They were to help me submit more, and feel more under his power. I have been in Domme mood prior to my relationship with Master and I know I need things on a daily basis to remind me of my proper place. He wrote up a decent list of things he wanted me to do, attitudes he wanted me to keep and rules to follow.

Nothing on this list is hard; it’s carries things I have expressed in the past as wanting to maintain. I’m not really sure why I am having problems carrying them out on an everyday basis. Most of the things have to do with body image and attitude. The body image ones are the ones I am muddying up. Why can’t I improve my attitude towards doing those?

One of incident is my ability to wear makeup. Master wants me to wear it whenever I am leaving the house. Nothing too major, and it shouldn’t be hard to do. I come from a background that didn’t really emphasize wearing makeup, and I didn’t do it except on special occasions in my previous relationships. Why can’t I remember to do it now?

Today I got ready to go out to the store and Master stopped me to tell me I wasn’t wearing any makeup. I swiftly said to him, without thinking, “Oh well, it happens.” Boy was I going to be in trouble, but I didn’t give it one more thought as I walked to the car. I think now that I should have. When I got home Master confronted me with my mistake once again. He told me what my punishment would be and what do I do?

I balk at the idea. I refuse to do it. I almost throw a tantrum right there in the living room. He was to take away my chocolate for a week. Now in normal circumstances one might think that is a decent thing to do, but this week, this PMS week, I went berserk. How was I to survive without chocolate, I live on it during this time, it helps keep my mood up and it’s become something I rely on during this time of the month. I told him I wasn’t going to do it, how could he monitor me when I’m at school, all this stuff. I actually asked him if he could trust me. What the heck was I thinking? I was already planning on undermining his control and just get chocolate at school. How terrible is that?!

In the end he tore up the rules, said that if I wasn’t going to listen to his authority that maybe I just didn’t need the rules. It went on to the point that I thought we were through. He had given up on me, when I needed him to be so firm that I had no room to speak. Well, we talked it over, still tense and I’m not sure exactly what was resolved except that I have my rules back, I am going without chocolate till next Wednesday (ouch), and I feel bad about talking back to him.

In the end I still don’t know if I am going to wear makeup, I’m terrible with it. The next punishment will kill me. No fast food… hmmm… another addiction. He sure pays attention with what I use to live and please myself. It will be torture, but I must survive. I hope I learn from this or else the thing is just not worth it. I need to become more for his pleasure and not for mine. I need to want to be of service to him, I desire his control and yet I refuse punishment. It just doesn’t work that way.

–luna