You wake one day to find that you are living a dream, a crazy dream. Nothing is as you thought it would be, you aren’t comfortable with yourself, you are uncertain of the man laying next to you and you feel like you are drowning in worries. Welcome to my day.

This is the first day of Spring Break and I feel like I’m in a dream. I’m not disappointed, not one bit. This life that I have chosen is no where near where I thought I would be 3 years ago. I woke, rolled over to see Master laying there and felt like the world had changed. I can’t say if it was a good or bad feeling. I got out of bed and felt a sudden sadness about myself. I am so disappointed in the way I look. I constantly mean to loose weight, but as I’ve told Master… it’s a desire, not motivation.

How does fate work? If I were to see Master on the street, I would love him in an instant, but I doubt he would even give a glance to me. Yes I seem to attract people, and maybe just maybe he would come and say hello but I don’t know if there would be a second thought in his head that I would be a good mate. He says that he loves me with all his heart now that he knows me. I guess that is a blessing of internet love. You love the person within before seeing and touching the outer package.

I love Master, he reminds me that I truely am sexy and wanted, but there are times like today that no matter how much reassurance I get, I feel ugly. I felt worried about bills, stressed about needing to get a job and my lack of dieting. I’m doing horribly. I don’t know how to fix it either.

Today I smarted back at Master, got him really angry and had to spend about a half hour in the corner. God I hated that. I felt like a child, and then while sitting there I realized I was acting like a child. Ouch. Of course I deserved it.

Tomorrow is munch. I hope that there will be a lot of people there to chat with. I thought that I just don’t feel like a submissive. Maybe that I don’t feel like it becuase I don’t think I’m behaving. I need to know what Master expects of me in lifestyle arenas. I get to see my best friend at the munch. It’s been a long time since we have gotten to catch up on life. I might also get to see someone I’ve met online, treasure. Her blog is linked on the left side. I’m really looking forward to it.

I hate being poor. We struggle every day to get the things we need. One day I hope to have everything we need and to live comfortably without worrying if we will have gas money or milk money. This really sucks.

–luna