BDSM is Love

I woke today with a really weird feeling. I felt I was forgetting something. I still feel that way but I can’t think what it is. I hope I can figure it out soon. I don’t enjoy the unsettled mind.

I also need to make time to do some cleaning. I just don’t know why I can’t get it done on a more regular basis. It’s not that I enjoy living in a messy house, I’d rather have it clean and comfortable. I wouldn’t even allow visitors over at the moment. Ugh. Maybe I will have some time this week. I don’t foresee a lot of homework.

Reflecting back on a year ago this week, I just can’t believe that I was so nervous. Master arrived on the plane a year ago Friday and it changed my world.

He showed me what it was like to love someone completely, without fear, with all the trust you can hand someone and my heart will be forever his. We will hopefully go out to dinner, but other than that I am unsure what else we may be doing. I think Master will want to play, and I know I would really love that. Playing is more of an event for us anymore rather than regular fare. I don’t know how anyone can just play spontaneously all the time, Master likes to have things mapped and prepared from the beginning. Not that we don’t play on a small scale quite a bit; a little bondage, verbal humiliation (love being Master’s whore) or spanking.

I have been having issues with myself and sex in general lately. I feel that I’m saying no too many times, not allowing him to do what he wants whenever he wants. It has brought me to tears a few times. I battle with myself. Why do I say no, he asks? There are reasons, but there are also the times when the reason is, “I just don’t want to.” Those are the times I cry. Those are the times I feel guilty and horrid little submissive. I don’t know why I do it, I panic maybe, feel uncomfortable? I never thought I would have to figure out why I say no. Two things that I know bother Master is when I say no to anal or oral sex. Why do I have problems with these two areas? In the past I used to love giving blow jobs and wouldn’t ever shy from them without a valid reason. Now I have done it just because I didn’t feel like it. That’s so wrong. Anal sex creeps me out more times than not, but I can’t say I don’t enjoy it once I just let sensation take over. Enemas don’t really help either, with the ick factor for me, it’s still there. And it haunts my ability to say yes.

I want to say yes to Master all the time. I want to learn that it is his will I follow, not my own. Why does it have to take so much time before I surrender this to him? What is holding me back?

–luna