BDSM is Love

I have been having some major problems with my computer lately. I know it needs a new hard drive and I think the motherboard is failing too. I only hope it will wait till January when I get my next and last financial aid refund check.

I have the schedule book for next semester. It looks like I will either have to take classes that I really dislike the teacher or some other electives to fill the last 12 hours I need to graduate. I register next week, hopefully, so we will see what I finally decide on then.

I finished the website that I was developing for IMG. I hope to have the client look it over and then pay me when the flash arrives so that I can place that in the navigation. Definitely by Wednesday. Master also will finish his current job around Wednesday and he already has another job lined up. Me, on the other hand, have asked for a hiatus for at least a week so that I can start my research project for Spanish.

No more messing around, I have to get started on this thing. No one else in my class has started yet, but I’d like to not be rushed to do it so that it turns out just right. I have a few stories and essays to use as research material and I will be going to the library at least one day this week to see if I can get a book or two with something of substance in it. I’m certain that I will be able to develop a good thesis and outline of material by the end of the week so that I can start writing it. Goal to be done is Thanksgiving weekend. That gives me a whole week to edit it.

My diet has failed, yet I have not given it up. I’m not able to quit. My health depends on my learning how to eat healthy and stay active. It’s so hard to eat healthy when you don’t have money to buy groceries. What’s left in the house at this point is all starchy, cheap, canned or boxed meals, that are by far healthy. So now I have to have a different attitude. Healthy OR less. When the food in the house is like this, I need to control my portions more. This will still keep me within my calorie limit of 1800 cals. a day. I hope to find an exercise tape that I actually like. I have some belly dancing that I guess I could do again. It is low inpact and requires a lot of muscle control (of which I don’t have yet). I have Richard Simmons too. I have not yet burned them, but they are impossible for someone as out of shape as I am. I don’t know how he has motivated so many obese people with these tapes, they are worse than palates, and I liked palates!

Master has come to me with another, yet the same worry that we have had off and on since we met. I’m just not overly affectionate, I rarely initiate sex and I’m terrible at foreplay(thus I don’t do it). Now, this is an important part of our relationship. We keep the fire burning hot so that we can continue with our meager existence till I can get a career and Master can find that dream job. We dream a lot lately, but now with this again at my feet I will have to reign in and do some serious work on myself. I don’t know if one can learn how to be more affectionate. I’m sure I can learn to enjoy foreplay more, and thus do it more. I think I settle into a relationship routine too soon (and too hard) that I just don’t do the “dating” cuddles and hyper affection like I used to. I need to find that again. Something to make me frisky and playful and in turn play with Master. He needs that, he needs me to show him how much I need him sexually and service him without command.

I need to find within myself that playful me I know is there. Master has noticed it comes out whenever the camera is on me. It’s like a hot coal and I just jump right into the light. He wants that when the camera is not on, he needs me with that spark without the camera. Master has a problem with my exhibitionist nature. He’d like to reign it in. He got upset at the party when I was watching the demos, and then we went to the kitchen to get some coffee and I had him feel how wet I was. It was exciting and I wanted to somehow be a part of it, my imagination kept telling me that Master wanted a violet wand and he would be doing those things to me some day too. I was on fire and shared it with him. He told me afterward, on the way home, that he wants to be the only one causing such heat. Jealousy? Perhaps, Master struggles with possessive issues all the time. So how do I turn on the spark when there is no camera, no limelight to stand in? Do I mentally shine spot light on myself? How would I do that?

–luna