BDSM is Love

I’d like to discuss something. This is my opinion, my thoughts. I am not accusing anyone of anything. I am not exerting any expert advice.

As many of you know, I am in a weight loss group for submissives. We are there to support one another and to cheer each other on in our task to loose weight. For the most part, we are there because we want to loose weight, not because our Dominant partners wish it. We have been telling our stories the past few weeks and gotten to know each other better because of it.

This weekend someone introduced herself to the list. Because of confidentiality I am not going to reveal her name, but I’d like to summarize what she told us about herself. She was in a brand new 2 week old relationship with a Dominant, they started out as long distance for about a year, visiting and sharing pictures with each other. She informs us that her Dominant said he used to be prejudiced against fat people, that his father was prejudiced against fat people, but he’s over it. This would have been warning sign number one for me to get out of that relationship. Prejudice is a very hard thing to get over, and even more so when you are brought up that way. He’d have to prove himself more than words in my opinion.

This woman moved in with him 2 weeks ago, she left her old life to be with him. She thought everything would be well. She shares with us that this man dehumanizes her about her overweight condition. He will not have sex with her in any position but one, he rarely touches her intimately. He is aware from previous conversations what she wants/needs in sex and intimacy. He says her size interfers with the way he is comfortable having sex with her, and that he is not happy with her weight because it reflects on him. He watches every morsel she puts in her mouth and contantly tells her she eats too much. He is very unhappy with her size.

In the same breadth he tells her he loves and accepts her. How can a man say these horrid things, act this way and yet still love someone truly? This is warning sign number 2. It can not seem fair for her to have a man that is so contradictory. How can she really be happy with his humilation of her, and behavior around her? She did not agree to be his submissive so that he could force her to loose weight, that I can see in her email.

The email goes on to say that she is very unhappy, that she is timid around him, she doesn’t know what to do. Her spirit is broken. This is not healthy for a submissive. I began my own journey with the belief that a Dominant is to help enhance the submissive, not break her down to nothingness. Why would a man take a submissive that isn’t his desired body type? He obviously is having problems with her size and just won’t admit it himself.

I feel for her. I want to help her, save her, show her that not all Dominants are like that. I want to comfort her. Sharing my opinions with her though would not help her. I feel they would make her more distraught. The point is to support her and hopefully she will make the decision herself to seek someone that will love her as she is.

She can live healthy, she can loose weight, but it has to be for herself. She will only succeed if she has a strong support system, and she won’t get it from her partner. She constantly has to build herself up after he tears her down. It’s not possible to succeed in this way. I hope that we as a group can give her the gentle nudges, the support and strength she needs to make her important decisions.

–luna