From Submissive Journal Prompts - “Write down three things you didn’t do because you were afraid. What could have changed in your life had you done them?”

1. I think my issue with swallowing Master’s cum has some fear involved other than just ick. I’ve been analysing it more than I probably should and I’ve come to realize that I’m afraid that I will fail (and usually do), I’m afraid that I’ll choke, and possibly throw up. These are very real feelings and I’m afraid to swallow in part because of that. If I could get over this fear I think my sex life would be more fullfilling, Master would certainly be happier and I would feel less like I was letting him down.

2. Go overseas for a semester to study. I know this seems like a silly thing to be afraid of, but I think it was more what do I leave here at home that made me afraid to go. My ex at the time was not responsible and I was afraid to leave the apartment, bills and pets in his care. I didn’t trust him to remember to pay the bills or feed the hamster or fish and I didn’t want to come home to no home. God, If I had gone and things had gone well I would have improved my Spanish language skills immensely, I would have gotten an experience I can’t even imagine but am jealous about my other classmates that have gone overseas to study.

3. Gosh I think I have to put loosing weight on there. In fact I was so afraid to loose weight for silly reasons that I’m confident now that I can loose it for the right reasons. My ex had a fascination with large women. Internally I thought that if I lost weight he would loose interest. Little did I know that he just didn’t care. I could have been healthy and a safe weight a lot sooner than I know will be.

This week’s goals are getting my homework done, hounding my boss for more work (I really need the money) and cleaning the house so that this weekend I don’t have as much to do. I really hope that I can keep on top of things. I’m feeling a bit lazy.

Senoritis is killing me. I don’t know how much I hate going to classes lately. I’ve wanted to skip them so badly (but that would mean punishment at home) so I sit there bored out of my skull, hating my “wasted” time. I just need to be done cuase I don’t think I could handle much more.

I said no to Master again last night when he asked if I would swallow. I don’t know why I keep doing that. The excuses seem real until I reflect on them later and then I just feel that they are not. I’m not a good submissive. I say no more often than I say yes and while this training has to be the hardest for me at the moment I know I could try to work harder on it. What do I have to do to get my mind to shut off and stop thinking about the ick and more about pleasing Master.

–luna