Master and I have hit a crossroads of sorts. I’m not sure if it’s because I am lazy, he is lazy or some other factor. There are two separate issues that Master has brought up last night. I think I’m going to try to discuss both of them.

The first one is my current mood. Master says that I have looked unhappy for months now and he can’t figure out why or how to correct that. He told me last night that he feels it’s a failure on his part that he can’t make me happy. I don’t believe it has anything to do with him. There are a few things bouncing around in my mind as to why I might look unhappy. I am not sure if they are the true reasons… but bear with me.

Firstly, I have nothing to really look forward to in life right now. We currently work during the day and watch tv at night. I try my best to keep the house presentable and that’s that. We don’t go out, we haven’t been to the movies in months, we haven’t seen our D/s friends in months and I just don’t see a need to be happy when we have nothing to do.

Secondly, I am in constant worry. It’s something I’ve always done. I tend to develop worst-case senarios for everything long before anything should be worried about to begin with. It is 90% of the time about bills being paid, and I know it’s partially because with freelance work it’s so uncertain that we will get paid in time for the rent/other bills. It has always worked out so I don’t know why I still worry. It frustrates Master to no end and he wishes he could lift that burden of worry from me somehow.

Thirdly and I think that’s all I can come up with, is that my sexual energy is severely lacking. I think this has an effect on my mood because I am very happy and flirty when I have sex alot and enjoy it, I get orgasms more often that way and it improves my mood as well. When I was single, or with my ex husband for that matter, I masturbated at least once a day. It lifted my mood, stress level and I was happier. Now that Master controls my orgasms I find it ridiculous to ask him for one unless I’m desperate and god forbid I ask him everyday. That seems greedy and selfish.

Now all of these things have really effected the second issue Master brought up and they may in fact be cause and effect of the same issue. Master said last night and previously, that I never look in the mood for sex or play, or that when he tries to get me in the mood straight off I look grumpy, indifferent or disinterested. He said that sometimes he just doesn’t try because of my mood. This hurts our relationship, becuase Master is all about the sex right now. If I can’t change my mood and manner around him it’s going to cost us.

When we do have sex one of two things happens. Either I have a mood of “this is for Master” and I don’t try to get pleasure from it. It’s basically my object stage and I enjoy it most of the time. The other mood is slut mode, and Master would much rather have this behavior out way more often and I agree that it would improve my mood, sex life and behavior towards him immensely. I am not sure how to get into the mood other than something just clicks in me when Master touches me and I can’t get enough of it. I will do anything in this mood, and it is this mood that Master has gotten me to swallow his cum without much question.

On a side note, there is another mode that Master affectionately calles my submissive mode. In this mode I feel secure, complete, blissfully happy to just serve Master in whatever capacity he needs. This mode is rare, but I’d love to have it out 80% of the time. It’s not an easy thing to get into either. Generally it takes a mental workup from me and a very aggressive action from Master. When he shows me frequently that I am his it’s easier for me to slip into subbie mode.

The issue with my lack of desire is a big one. Master is still so young and sex is a big part of our lives at this point. I want to please him and show him that I will do anything for him. I want to be happy, I want to make him happy. Why I can’t find my happy place is beyond me. Why I can’t just look at today first before tomorrow comes and be happy that things are working out today…. it would certainly help. I want so ernestly to be happy and for him to see me happy. I love Master dearly. I hate that I’ve upset him and that he feels at a loss with me.

I hope that I can correct my faults. I need him too much to do nothing.

–luna