BDSM is Love

I find myself just beginning the sentence that is my punishemtn for wrongdoing. I am miserable and bored. Hours have passed slowly as I contemplate my rebirth. There has to be a rebirth after a wrong so severly recognized as this. The effects on Master and our relationship are huge.

I have to start at square one again. I must prove to him that I am worthy. I proclaims to love me deeply and I believe that.I must work at being a good girl and behave that. It’s proving more difficult than I thought.

First I must explain my punishment. Master consideres it appropriate.

1. Furniture ban - no use of chairs, tables or any other items that are considered for comfort and ease.
2. My bed is the floor at the foot of Master’s bed. I will not sleep with him.
3. No TV unless Master is watching, and of course it’s what he wants to watch.
4. No video games.
5. No computer usage unless for work, job-hunting or permissiong by Master (journaling/ fitday/ work email)

All of these were escalated when in a fit of anger, paranoia and need to just release; I locked myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors and scratched my stomach. I attacked myself. The pain was soothing but of course completely wrong. One might argue that I need mental help. I do not disagree, however I have only rarely taken it upon mysef to harm my body.

I have been caned. It was not a lot by any standards fromw hat I read on other blogs, however I am not begging for more either. I hate the cane.

My punishemtns listed above started on Thursday and continue for one day for every scratch I made. Master says that I will gain one freedom every five days. As it now stands, my length of punishemtn is 30 days. During these 30 days I must be on my best behavior or I could loose a freedom once again.

Because of my bad back (from being overweight most likely) sleeping on the floor has done considerable damage and sitting without leaning on the furniture is no hel. I am taking a lot of pain medication. The rest of my body aches and this is only the second night. I can only hope that this freedom - sleeping in Master’s bed- is one of the first to return.

On top of physical concerns I am mentally in pieces. I’m torn with quilt and anguish, fear and uncertainty. I do’nt know how to act anymore. I can’t pretend nothing happened and yet Master doesn’t want it to consume me. I can not smile. I do not feel sexually desireable and my need to be of service is overshadowed by my depression.

My depression encompasses everything I do. I rise from my palette to eat and go to the bathroom. I spend time sitting in the room with Master, just sitting, for I’m not allow3ed any of my usual habits. I feel fits of anger, bouts of despair. I wear my guilt on my sleeve. Master feels that my punishement is adequet. So why can’t I move past it? I maintain my guilt and the dark cloud around me like a shroud.

I would like to return to who I was before this. I was just reclaiming my sexuality, I was Master’s slut again. I was working on my service, working on my credo, preparing the next work on myself and now I feel frozen in a grave of self-pity and guilt.

Will I ever be able to find my way back to the place I once had? If I do, do I deserve it?

–luna