BDSM is Love

Master and I had a very good discussion last night after a moment of confusion. It has me wondering if I’m the only person in the world that has this issue, even thought I know it can’t be.

Master has ordered me to do sexual favors for him. It’s not uncommon in D/s relationships that I know of. What is really the problem is my current reaction to the request. My face wrinkles up, I complain or whine about it or outright refuse. Now inside my head I’m thinking, “I don’t feel like doing anything sexual right now” or “I’m not horny.” or “God, he can’t be horny again!” Now all of these thoughts are wrong and just not good to be thinking. If/when I actually perform the request/demand it’s with the feeling that it’s a task to get me to the next thing, move on or just do it to make him happy. There is not connection to the action at all, it’s complete detachment.

Master asked me why I hesitate. I don’t hesitate to get his coffee or make his bath or do other things he requests of me. I knew that answer pretty quickly. It doesn’t require an emotional connection to the moment to do those things. Sex is different.
After some careful and very difficult to admit thoughts of my own, I’ve come to realize why. have the thought that anything sexual/intimate has to have an emotional connection to it, some sort of feeling that both people share during the activity no matter what it is. When he orders me to give him a handjob, for example, I have no emotional connection to that right then and so I have an aversion to it and respond with the “do I have to” face. It’s an issue with me because when I know that it would make him happy, I pause and am trying to psyche myself into the right emotional state so that I can please him. He considers this as me thinking about if I want to do it or not or hoping he will change his mind moment.

I’m not sure how to work on this, but I did suggest that perhaps we make a mini-ritual about the request for sexual favors when it’s “out of the blue.” Not quite sure how it’s going to work or what my reaction is going to be, but I think that with some hard work on both of our parts, it could help me attach the emotional connectedness to the request that I need to please him and not feel like it’s a chore.

Sex shouldn’t be a chore, it should be pleasurable and intimate, even if it’s rough and ferocious in nature. I need the connection either way.

–luna

PS: I’m attempting to use a new plugin for WP, something called Live + Press, that will hopefully work. If it does it will post to WP and to LiveJournal at the same time and also use some of the LJ perks like userpics, music and moods. We’ll see.