BDSM is Love

So about 2 weeks ago I had an epiphany with the help of kaya’s wise words. Submission is hard work. The fact that I had constantly thought that Master wasn’t dominant enough turned the tables to I wasn’t submissive enough. I admit that it’s not a natural thing in me, and while many that may read this then equate that to me not being a submissive, I’d like to say something in defense of all those that are not natural submissives. I WANT to be submissive, I crave it, thrive better when I am submissive and do submit. I grow and respond best when under the care of a dominant person. This makes me submissive. This desire, this need, the burning ache in myself. I am just a different submissive than the natural-tendency folks.

On that end, I have to say that I do come up with a lot of excuses for my habits of slipping out of my submissive state. That’s exactly what they are:

“I was first-born in my family, first-borns always have dominant personalities.”

“I was verbally and physically abused and degraded as a child, I’m defensive.”

“I’ve had a bad day at work/school/life, I don’t feel like being submissive.”

“I’m PMS’ing, don’t mess with me, leave me alone.”

and my all time used one,

“I forgot, I’m sorry, I’ll try harder.”

In all honesty, I never forget, I’m constantly thinking about how Master sees me and how he would be best happier and in control if I could just learn to submit to those basic rules that he laid out. He’s done his part. I asked for rules to follow. I need to step up to the plate with my “first-born attitude” and prove to him that I can follow them.

Needless to say, since Aug 7th when my shock and awe happened, I have successfully followed only half of those rules; the ones I always followed. My speech training ones have fallen by the wayside, my behavior ones are weak and while I am aware of the sexual training, I still don’t perform to the best of my abilities.

I’m not a failure. Failure is something I don’t take well to. I struggle and fight hard to get where I need/want to be. I don’t give up easily at things I feel are worth it (I do give up on the simple things quite easily… not sure how that is). I can’t let Master down, I have to work.

Reading back this seems like a pep talk for myself, and maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’m honest in this blog if not blaringly so. I currently suck at being Master’s submissive. He adores me and treasures me and shows me everyday that I am worth it for him, why can’t I do the same back? Why can’t I follow the simple rules I ASKED FOR and show him he’s worth it too? Nothing I’m aware of is holding me back, maybe it’s time for some self-inflicted discipline. Maybe some TV denial, or computer denial, extra exercise (ugh) or something. I don’t know.

I’m worth it; he’s proven it to me. Now I need to do the same.

–luna