Bad Bad Girl
I’ve been a very bad girl lately. It’s really inexcusable; as everything is with me lately. I’ve been disappointing, both to myself and to my love and Master. First, if you notice the date of this blog, I am quite late posting, as my rules state it is supposed to be every other day. It honestly slipped my mind, so I can be sure that Master will find a way to not let it slip my mind in the future. A lot of things have slipped my mind lately. Calling him Master, being polite and respectful and all things sexual. They’ve just …. well there is no excuse except my laziness. I know I will have to pay the consequences, maybe today, maybe tomorrow. I await his judgment. My diet has hit a brick wall, I’ve lost no weight since May, I’ve not been eating right or exercising nearly enough. Master and I are going to sit down and write out the goals I want to have and we are going to figure out how to get them to reality.
Master is aggravated for yet again I am hesitating when it comes to blowjobs. This time the procrastination has lasted near a week. I can’t explain it well but I know part of it is that I feel a blowjob isn’t the ‘opening act’ or the ‘only act’ but more like the act before the ‘main event’. I just can’t get myself in the mood to do it when that is the first thing or only thing. I just get a bit offended when we are sitting watching tv or something and he says “I want a blowjob.” A part of me just snaps shut and freezes cold. It just doesn’t seem like the natural flow of things. I get grumpy, throw on my “do I have to face” and just hope that it goes away. Boy does that piss him off. Instead of punishment though he sighs and stews in his own anger and disappointment for hours. During these hours I begin to hate the thought of the blowjob even more because I know he’s going to demand it again. I never used to detest blowjobs, I only hate blowjobs out of context (if that makes sense). He’s gone about 4 days since he asked for his blowjob. He got a wimpy one on that day and I know he wants a full fledged, I’m really into it myself blowjob (cause he enjoys it more) but I just can’t bring myself to do it cold. I need some warm up, lead in, petting, kissing, loving… then ask me for your darn blowjob.
I realize this reads like topping from the bottom, and if that is what I’m doing then Master can treat it accordingly, however I still don’t see me giving blowjobs without any lead in AND have Master enjoy them. They will always be the wimpy “I have to” type. It’s just how it clicks in my head. He’s at his wits end, he’s disappointed and angry and I don’t know how to act around him when he’s like that.
Not to mention it’s been a good 10 days since I had an orgasm myself and the thought of anything sexual is aggravating and I’m almost disinterested. I even flinch if he fiddles with my clit during sex in this state, like I don’t want him to touch me because I’m ‘off’. I get that way when it’s been awhile, kind of like an on off switch. Orgasms keep me in ‘on’ state, but after awhile I’m just ‘off’ and it’s hard to get me back to ‘on’. In off state I feel sex will never happen and live accordingly. Very anti-affectionate, distant and non sensual. I really don’t know why this is, I have just noticed this has been my reaction.
How do others do it? How do they give over their masturbation (or in my case, involuntarily) and orgasms and then still are sexual beings? Is it that their owners give them more pleasure to keep them hungry or are they forced to go about life dry dry dry and still show an animalistic draw to sex? I’d really like to know others situations and how you handle yourself.
–luna
pinkroses521
mara tudor
luna
vixen
vixens last blog post..Raven Kaldera
Wow, I could have written this myself. I’ve been there for sure. I tend to “shut off” when I’m not getting any sexual attention and it took a lot of talking between Master and myself to come to an agreement that worked for both of us. During the week we’ve usually only got time and energy for what I think of as “service sex”, meaning he gets an orgasm and I don’t. I told him I needed the assurance that on the weekend I would get some sexual satisfaction of some sort in order to be more open to the weekday sex and he agreed to it.
Now, this by itself didn’t improve my attitude. It was a talk with my Sir about it that helped turn me around a bit. He told me that by treating it like a chore it makes them (men)feel unwanted, undesireable, etc. I’m ashamed to admit that it took him spelling it out for me to empathize with them. I never thought of men as needing to feel desireable and wanted. Don’t ask me why, but I didn’t. He also pointed out that I could do my own “foreplay” by reading stories or looking at pictures that turn me on when I complained about not being in the mood and Master not taking the time to get me there.
What do I do now? Well, I won’t lie and tell you I’m always in the mood because I’m not. I still get a little cranky about “service sex” sometimes but I try to keep that to myself and keep it out of my voice and my expression. I do try to find something to enjoy about the “service sex” like the happy sounds he’s making, the way his muscles are tensing up because of the pleasure I’m giving him, and I absolutely *love* watching him when he orgasms. I’ve found that afterwards I’m rather turned on even when I started out nowhere near being in the mood.
Sorry I wrote a novel here but I hope that you might find at least a little something in my ramblings that will help. *hugs*
Yes, it is this exactly: “Is it that their owners give them more pleasure to keep them hungry…”
My greatest pleasure is His, even if it is the act of handing over my pleasure and leaving it to Him, and He dictates “no self-pleasure”.
That it is His to control, not mine, in whatever way He wishes is my purpose: that i am His.
His toy
who doesn’t say that it is *easy* all the time, but absolutely necessary.
I don’t know if this will help… because I love doing this. But I “get” the problem you face. ‘Cause I had the same problem even where sex was concerned.
What changed it for me was thinking of it as a service. This wasn’t a sexual experience for me, but a chance to serve. And you know the old saying?? Service With A Smile! Maybe that’s all Yours needs. To know you’re willing to serve Him even when you’re not in the mood?
It’s a hugely hard thing to trust Him with your orgasms and satisfaction. We’re all so focused on “what’s in it for me”! Me included. I’m not living a D/s life in my real life. But, even online, I’ve got to look at what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. If I’m doing anything for my own glory, I’m not doing it right. I’m not a slave and my Dom praises me for the work I do for Him. But, even in my vanilla life, this applies. If I’m doing something to/for my husband just for my own gratification, then I’m off target.
Some days work better than others…
luna…
i’m desperately hoping someone will reply to this topic with advice, for you & myself. i wish i could just wave a magic wand!
this post made me cry. it was like reading about myself. i’m finding these things extremely difficult at the moment…i never used to be like this!…& really have no idea how to help myself
i’ve tried discussing this with my partner but nothing seems to be helping to “switch myself back On” should we say…i find i’m getting more & more lazy in bed & the passion just isn’t there…
Now & again i use the advice snick5908 has given…seeing it as a chance to serve…but sometimes it just not that easy you know?
i really hope you both work this out & i’m sorry i can’t be of much help…but i’d like you to know that you have helped me by letting me know i’m not alone & by finding the words i can’t in order explain whats going on. well done.
i’ve always admired your writing.
Take care luna
kajira x