BDSM is Love

As Master and pepe’s angel so kindly pointed out, I seem to concentrate on the negative things in life and not the posititve. It’s not always been that way. I think it has a lot to do with my depressive state at the moment. I do know I have to change my thinking to improve things, to see things continue in a progressive manner instead of returning to the beginning.

I’m up again this morning with goals in mind and an attitude that I hope continues for when Master is up. I hope I can remember all of my rules and at least look like I care about them. Master said that it is very hard to enforce rules when I am constantly not looking happy. He said that it would just make it worse for me if I was constantly being reminded of what I wasn’t doing when in this state of emotional absence. I truely am feeling down. I can give you a list of things that bring me to tears, that make me feel defeated and helpless, and yet I know there is nothing I can do to resolve any of them; why do I obsess over things I can not change?

He’s right though, I need to be happy to work on my rules and please my Master. I can not be submissive if I am not happy with myself; I shut down. Master also said last night that he thinks I still don’t feel submissive, I don’t think I am submissive, so I can’t accept myself as I am. I’m still keeping those darned defensive walls up, not letting anything in, not letting anything out, just existing. I feel deep inside that I will be truely at peace if I accept my submission as who I am, that this is the life I was meant to live. I am also terrified of letting down my guard and being hurt beyond repair, that even though I’ve told myself 100 times that Master is the best thing that has come into my life, that I could let him in fully, I still hesitate when it comes to D/s. He has my heart, he has my body (most of the time), but my submissive soul is still being protected and I am afraid to let it go.

There are times when it peeks out though, Master doesn’t know it because I haven’t yet acted on these times. Joy once told me, “If you feel like kneeling and kissing his feet, just do it. Don’t think about it, just do it.” I think that inside when these moments come but I have yet to do them, I just repeat over and over, ‘just do it luna, it will bring your peace and Master happiness, just go do it’. And I don’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know why.

I think this whole negative thing needs to change, and I need to make it a point to concentrate on a positive thing every time I write a negative thing in this blog. I guess it will be sort of self training myself to think of positive things. I know Master would appreciate seeing a sunnier luna and I know that I need to feel better, I’m as low as you can go.

Let’s start now. Here’s a positive thing that happened to me last week. The company I work in (not for, I’m an outsourced worker) sent an email to my boss letting him know how good of a worker I am and how pleased they are with my response to issues and concise explanations to users when I resolve problems. This pleased my boss very much as I’ve only been installed in this job and this company for just over 6 weeks. I felt so good to hear that he was happy and that I was doing well.

–luna