BDSM is Love

Dated: 9-14-06

Dear Master,

I’ve gone to writing in a paper journal so that I can try to be more open and honest and so that I don’t try to write for an audience. This is just for you.

I’m still just shocked about last night. I honestly felt that you were ending things. When you cried with me as I lay in bed helped me realize that you weren’t giving up. I haven’t give up either.

The day this all changed had to be when I was punished for a month. I think a lot of my current feelings and befavior comes from that. I’ve not been myself. A few things happened during that time that perhaps may shed light on all this.

First, you lost all trust in me. You have said so yourself. From that I learn that respect for me is also minimal. I have yet to earn a shred of this back. I know it everytime you pounce when someone IM’s me. You stopped expecting me to respect you. I began to question why I place all my trust in you, if I get none in return.

This questioning grew. I felt it creep into every part of my life. I’m not sure of myself. I second guess myself all the time. Am I sure you aren’t going to be disappointed? Are you going to watch me constantly? Should I even do “” ? What will you think?

I feel that a submissive shouldn’t second guess themselves. They should be confident and know what pleases their partner and do it. But with you, I don’t know anymore. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing, enough, too much… I just don’t know.

I’ll start with the rules, as I know these are things you want from me. But what more? How can I be sure that what I do is what you want? Why is it so unclear? It used to be so much easier.

–luna