BDSM is Love

Thinking about how hard it is for me to find out why I changed so suddenly. I know that I hold my guilt a lot longer than most people do. I may have been forgiven for something but I don’t forgive myself as easily. I felt so guilty about my issue this summer that I don’t think I’m fully okay with it myself. I have to be okay with punishment that Master gives out and as soon as I’m forgiven I need to let it go. When Master says he has forgiven me I need that to be the last I think of it, I am absolved. I get so hung up on not being good though that I can’t get past what I did and work on improvement.

While I try to work at being a better me I have to get in touch with the me that can let things go, not stress so much about things, errors and don’t sweat the small stuff basically. That’s going to be a huge thing for me. Baby steps though, right? I took a baby step today towards that end. Master inadvertently kept me awake last night while he read in bed, and instead of carrying the grudge all day (although I kept it up for about an hour after getting up at 3:30am) I let it go as soon as I got to work, and didn’t bring it up to drive it home with him. Now I want to work more on letting things go. Releasing the stress so that I can function at the best of myself.

Now on to work (hah, stress). My coding job’s client as asked me to work harder, and he’s willing to give me a bonus if I do. I don’t know if I can make his deadline, but I’m going to try. It’s a huge site, as I’ve said. My out of home job is getting interesting as well. I’m finding myself really busy everyday but enjoying every minute of it.

Positive things… I did not hesitate twice when asked to give Master a blowjob. It’s quite an achievement to me. I hope I can improve on that. I want to be able to offer them and not hope for things in return. Right now I am hoping for something in return for doing that for him. I want to make him happy.

–luna