BDSM is Love

It happened yet again. I can’t even remember all of the heated discussion however I can remember the spark that set it all off.

Wednesday I asked Master to help me with a bit of code that I didn’t know how to do. I had gone online and someone had offered their script for it but I just wanted to learn for myself how to do it so I declined his offer and went to Master. Now, I ask Master a lot about coding. He gets really tired that I always resort to his knowledge instead of going off on my own and finding the answer. I have tried in the past to not as him as much but there are things that I know he knows how to do and I do love to see his face when I pick up on it and it’s because of him. This time wasn’t like that. He started explaining, throwing in math and logical methods of coding that just lost me. I don’t know if it was because I truly didn’t understand, or that he went so fast, I just can’t figure that out right now. I looked at him with that ‘I haven’t the foggiest clue what you are talking about’ face and he got aggravated. He told me I should have just accepted the offered script because now he was going to have to write it for me and take time from his work to do that. Boy did I feel like an ass, but I also felt something else. This is the somthing that stuck with me. I felt that he thought I wasn’t smart enough to get it eventually. That I might as well forget learning it because it’s beyond my capabilities. It was not his intention, but that’s what I picked up from him on it. It ate at me.

So, yesterday morning before leaving for work, I took what I had been able to absorb from his explanation the night before and attempted a bit of code to see if I could get it to work. And I accomplished it. When I left I felt good, knowing that it was doing what it needed to do and that I could come home and show Master that I’m not stupid.

And here is where I went wrong. I showed him last afternoon and he said that it functioned but this and this weren’t correct and that good coding practice is to do it this way. The words out of his mouth were almost like acid rain on my parade. I had to ask him if I was even on the right track, that I had done this myself and all I wanted was a happy Master; proud that his little girl had gotten it, even only mostly. But no. I snapped. I told him how I felt that with coding he makes me feel stupid, like I shouldn’t be doing it and yet every time I do something I get better and better at it, have to ask him less and he has to worry about my accomplishing a task less and less.

Now this lead to a huge, gigantic argu-discussion about my submission (don’t ask me how the tangent formed, I can’t recall I was hurt) about his insulted feeling (I was saying some really cruel things) and about how I keep feeling that I will never live up to the submissive nature that he wants.

Have I given up he asks? No, not really but every day I screw up, forget to be polite… okay not polite but use please and thank you, because you can be polite and not say please every single time. That’s not what Master wants though, he wants the p’s and q’s all the time. I’m scared that he will give up waiting for me to make it to where he wants me. No where in my thought process yesterday was there a monumental realization that came to me today:

If I make progress that is as good as making it to the top of the hill.

He will notice my progress and my desire to get to that place he wishes. He says I have the raw materials to get me there and that I’m not trying to become someone I can not be. I just have to convince myself that I can make it.

So while the mushroom cloud descends to smother me I have try to rise above it. I have to prove to myself that this is what I want, that he is who I want to please and that this whole thing I my life’s breath. I just gotta believe in myself. So no, I’ve not given up; I just feel like I’m drowning. He said that I need to be submissive for me first, not him. I’m still trying to digest that because I just can’t see being submissive without someone to submit to. How can you submit to yourself? What is it he really means?

–luna