BDSM is Love

I can’t help but feel frustrated when Master looks at me with those lustful eyes and I sit here in pain and ache from my darn shoulder still acting up. He wants me, he wants me rough and wild and I can’t get my body to agree to that. I want him too, so very much. Why can’t my body agree with my head and ease up on the pain? Ugh, I hate that I can’t serve him as I’d like to right now. He brought up that there is another way I can please him (meaning blowjob) but with my body hurting like it is, nothing seems doable. And of course he’s disappointed, but I think he understands.

I’ve been working really hard lately, hoping I can get this website I’m working on done sooner rather than later. I know we could use the money and I want a break from the stress. I enjoy coding, really I do, but I’m needing a break from it I think. There are a few things with this project that I am not capable of or am not confident I can do. Master will do the one I can’t do, will look at the ones I’m not confident of, but I have a feeling I’ll be trying to do those in the end. He has so much other work to do. I hate being a burden. I know that as I get more experience I will feel more confident as is evident for what I can do now compared to what I did a year ago.

I’ve stagnated again with my progress to find myself. Master mentioned it early this week and I’ve been frustrated about that. Is it the current health issue that’s keeping me from being myself? Can I find some way to overcome that and still serve him as he wishes. Why do I find it so hard to do? I know I’m more at peace when things are balanced and roles are strengthened. Why do I keep thinking that not all that a submissive does it self taught? What is this training that everyone does or talks about? When I think training, it’s self training. The effort and work is all mine. Master just praises or discourages parts of it. Obviously I’m not doing a good job, but it’s better than it was.

Feeling positive is hard right now, but some things I need to remind myself…. I am doing very well at my diet this week, and progress should begin to be evident soon. I’m getting better and better at my job, it’s a constant learning experience and I think I’m doing well. Lastly, while we need money badly, we aren’t as behind as we have been in the past. Things can only improve.

–luna