Master is disappointed in me. After 2 years of wanting a corset and drooling over them and aching for them, I have worn my new corset 3 times in a month. I still love to see it sitting there, waiting to be tied in place and the ensuing pleasure across his face when I walk around in it. He feels that I should be wearing it more if I wanted it that badly and I have been wondering just what it would be like to go through 2/3 time corset training. It is still something I want to do. I love the feel of the leather hugging my skin and the way it makes him smile and ache for me. In that I feel sexy.

I’m heavy, quite heavy and even though I know I am, I hate looking into mirrors because they portray me as what I am and not what my mind’s eye sees me as. I perceive myself as smaller than I really am, so any time I get a glimpse it’s a shock and I’m almost repulsed by it. I put on the corset for the first time and it wasn’t the beauty I was seeing, it was the amount of flesh that was hanging out, the flaps under my arms that I wish would just go away and the feeling that I was just so big. Now all this is most likely in my head and I’ve lived with this perception all my life, which may be why I let myself gain so much weight. The number never really bothered me, it was how I saw myself that mattered.

Facing the fact that I am large and that the corset still looks good on me is a hard one. Hard mostly because my thoughts still dwell on that image in the mirror; no matter how fleeting and how it made me feel. Master said that he wishes he could return it. He says it’s a waste of money if I don’t wear it. It hurts to hear that and I’d love to wear it. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I know I can put it on over and over again for his pleasure and perhaps at first that has to be enough. To make Master happy is my very ultimate goal. So I will do it. I will show him that I love him and thrive on his happiness. His eyes will reflect what I should feel about the corset and I know that after awhile that will be enough for me to long to wear it more often.

It may sound really odd that this might work. I know others out there are thinking that my body image is an internal mechanism but I know that it can be affected by those on the outside. I grew up that way. Ridicule and joked about, name-calling and pranks; all because I was larger than they were. My body image has to be recreated and while I’ve been ignoring it mostly I feel that I am ready to give it a try.

I asked Master for part of my pending routine to have a bedtime ritual in it of bathing and body care. I feel it’s important for me to begin solidifying that my body is worth caring for, that there are things I can do to make me feel more beautiful for him and finally for myself. I’m really hoping this new routine has things in it to remind me how important it is for me to care for the person he loves the most. Me.

–luna