BDSM is Love

In my previous post I wrote about an essay that I read and am thinking about. Yesterday was a good example of what not to do.

I got up in what I thought was a good mood and then I read my email from the client that I’m doing the site for. His email made me angry and frustrated and instead of letting it go I blew it up; woke Master up at 6am to gripe about it, fumed all the way to work and didn’t let it go when I got home. I’ve been depressed the past week or so and my attitude for that has been antisocial, antisex, antiservice. Because of my behavior Master interpreted it to mean that I didn’t lust after him anymore, that I wasn’t attracted to him and plain didn’t want him.

It’s so far from the truth. I think about him all the time. I would love to please and be pleased by him for years to come. I find him so sexy and many times I try to see what he sees in me when he could have any other woman. I feel inadequate for him, that he could do so much better than me. I know he’d say that he doesn’t someone else, he loves me and wants to be with me.

So much love between each other; I don’t know how I made him feel that he wasn’t needed anymore. In any case I could have taken my mood and turned it into pleasing him. I could have found it more important to make him happy and feel loved instead of dwelling on my own attitude and down feeling. I didn’t. In fact I enhanced my depression by moping around, pushing him away and hiding online doing web work.

He’s been asking for a blowjob for 3 days now. I’ve avoided him. I keep thinking I’m not in the mood; the point being it has no bearing on pleasing him. He would be so much happier if I had just knelt, said, “Yes Master I’d be happy to” and do it. It may have had a better effect on myself as well. I guess we’ll see. Today is the last day he’ll put it off; It’s on my agenda for the day.

Master’s birthday is Saturday and he has hoped for a willing, pliable slut for the day. With my mood he wants to postpone it, but I’ve been looking forward to it for almost a week now. I’d really like to just see how I am on Saturday and go from there. A birthday only comes once a year.

–luna