You’d think that with all the wonderful things in my life that I’d be looking forward to Christmas and the joy it brings, the unity of family and the wonders of the season. However, when I think of Christmas it’s depressing, lonely and sad. Perhaps it’s because we are staying at home this year, or that we don’t have presents to exchange. Maybe it’s the stress of being overworked and underpaid, or the possibility that our lives may change for the good and we can’t anticipate it enough. Christmas is just blah for me this year. I love the music; listen to it everyday, I love the decorations and the spirit of giving and joy that I see around me. I love Master and the changes my life has brought around. I could not be happier with him and I.

Some days are better than others. Some days I remind myself it’s the little things in life that make everything worth while. Then times when all I think about is what we don’t have, what we can’t afford and how our lives could be. None of which is not changeable. I could go get a full time job. Master can get a better job too. We could take care of things then. I think we are selfish. We love spending time together too much to give up more than we have. If I work full time; which I may be doing sometime early next year, then Master won’t see me as much so we will have to work on making the time we are together as quality as possible. It’s all about quality.

Master and I played tonight. Somewhere in the middle of it all I panicked and scared Master. He stopped things right away, but I always feel guilty that I ruined the playtime, that we both crash afterwards and retire to our own little corners of the world; mine this blog and his is currently BF2142. I really need to not feel guilty. Experienced and inexperienced alike have panic attacks and have to stop. Master reminds me that’s one reason why they invented quick release and that they teach that first in safety. It’s just that if I can’t please him and I panic, why does that say to him? That I’m scared of him, not trusting? None of these are true, but really… can I question myself or just say this is a normal thing and move on?

I have been thinking of goals and resolutions for the coming year, and I blogged about them previously. I’m going to come up with a solid list here in the next week so that I can try to stick to them, and evaluate their progress throughout the year. There will be reachable goals and ‘I wish they were reachable’ goals. We’ll just have to see.

–luna