BDSM is Love

Well, it’s not what I hoped for but there is some good in people that is so touching. I have an acquaintance at work; the person who covers my job if I’m not there. She came and picked me up Monday and yesterday while my job was in the shop. I was able to work my shift. This acquaintance, M, gave me 2 loaves of bread and a $15 gift card for Wallyworld. She said not to say no, that she’s been there and had some help and wanted to do the same for me. This gift card may just be the saving point when I’m completely out of money before my next paycheck. I cried. She also brought doughnuts to work with her yesterday and paid for a fast food lunch between the two sites. Luckily she was assigned to both of them or the ride she gave me would have been extremely cumbersome to her.

My boss also worked out that this week and maybe next week I can get up to 20 more hours at another site that needs some help before their certification next month. Next week is still up in the air, but I should know Friday if more hours have been approved.

I picked up my car yesterday. I didn’t have to leave a post-dated check. They just expect me back on Friday with my first half payment. I couldn’t have asked for a more trusting auto place; one that I’ve been with for 6 years. I know he would like to have the rest next week, but that’s not possible unless a miracle happens with Master’s work. It is nice to know that he’s not going to hold some check and I have to worry if he’s going to ‘accidentally’ try to pass it through the bank before there is money there.

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Master’s new collar is somewhere in Iowa today. He realized just yesterday that the delivery address, that we already had them change once, didn’t have an apartment number on it. I don’t know how the darn thing is going to get here now but he said to let him handle it. So, I’ll have to wait to see what happens with this.

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I got in trouble with Master last night. I forgot one of my new rules… the butt plug one. I can’t figure out if I honestly forgot or if it was a subconscious slip. I really don’t like this rule and he knows it. He says that I have to do it anyway and I really should learn to do it because it makes him happy. I realize that’s the case, but he’s not the one with a rubber phallus up his ass. Then tucking me in he refused my night cuffs because I had been a bad girl and instead of just accepting it, I retorted, “Good!” and that got me a little tongue lashing itself. I was angry, frustrated and all the stresses of this past week have culminated in this one moment I think. Just this once (for I won’t be allowed to do it again) I wanted to talk back and get snippy. For that he denied my goodnight kiss and tucking in ritual and just left.

I was so upset that I cried. I cried till I fell asleep and then he came back. He pulled off the sheets and fucked me. I moved to turn and he said not to. I froze. I just took it. No emotion, no movement, no enjoying it. This was just him rutting a hole. It was the first time he has ever done that without my knowledge previous to going to bed that he might do that. My body belongs to him, but inside I felt hurt and violated. When he was finished he covered me back up and left again. I cried harder. I silently sobbed and fumed and wanted to scream at him for no apparent reason. I cried myself back to sleep.

I still feel hurt but have accepted that I am whatever he wishes me to be.

–luna