BDSM is Love

It appears that all this time I thought I was pleasing Master ultimately lead to me being displeasing. Allow me to explain.

Upon becoming Master’s own he gave me the rule that I was not to come without permission. One that I have stuck to as a sacrament. I have never broken that rule. For me it would be like failing him and that is something I can not do. He knows this. Honestly though, it’s so hard sometimes. I have had to learn to reign in my desire to just let go; to allow myself to release at will and feel the pleasure that I know ebbs and flows in me. Yes it has chastened my desire, to say the least.

In my recent post I stated that I once was able to come from blow job and once by the crop in delicious pain. (This sentence has since been removed.) This gave Master a huge pause and he questioned why he has not been able to bring about that occurrence with me. He seemed very bothered and when I asked him to talk about it his questions got me very angry. Yes I yelled at him, I tossed angry words in his face. I was angry because that one sentence had no bearing on the entire post and I took it to mean that he didn’t understand the importance of that page. Of course I was very wrong.

This lead to a stinted discussion about how my feelings were with these men who were able to bring about this reaction in me and why he can’t seem to do it himself. I connected it with my need to control my desire in his presence and that needing to ask permission to come, even if it is never denied me, would hinder my free feeling that occurred in these moments where I was just able to be in the moment and feel as I wanted to feel. I know that having to ask permission would completely kill the mood formed by the moments where the orgasms happened and I won’t dare come without command to do so; I’ve always been afraid of the punishment, even if I haven’t a clue what it is.

Admittedly these relationships were shallow and self serving. One was a play partner; my first experience with BDSM were with him. He brought me to the brink with a wicked hand on a crop to my ass and thighs. The other was just a sexual playmate, one I saw maybe 4 times altogether. I had no other real attachment to these men. In fact I can’t remember the sexual partner’s name. Now anyone can see who is a SM bottom why I felt differently with these men than with Master. After play was done, they went home. I was free to live my life as I knew it to be and had no reason to fear disappointing them beyond the bedroom. Master and I have a complete lifestyle relationship where we are in role as best as possible all the time. I am attached to him more than I have with anyone before. He is the reason for living right now and he knows that.

So to allow myself to release my control on my sexual desire is precarious. I don’t expect to understand why I feel I need to be careful and not feel as fully as I know I can. I just know that Master has now made it imperative that I do so. I have also been informed that there is no punishment for coming without permission, it’s just a game in sex that he likes to make sure he can control it somewhat. I admit this is going to be hard. I have had to work hard to make sure not to come accidentally; and now he wants me to liberate my desires once more.

I don’t know how I am going to go about this. I do know that it will take time; like everything else I try to work into my training. Working hard I’m sure he and I will be rewarded someday.

–luna