The Reason
I’m amazed at how I can go from not enough time in the day to get work done to having so much time on my hands that I’m inventing things to do so that I don’t get bored. I feel that this is just an adjustment period and I do feel that the time will get busier but right now I could beat my head against the wall with how inactive I have been. It’s a good thing that the printers I manage are running themselves but for goodness sake I’d love for one to jam or something just to have a reason to get up off this chair!
Friday night was…. confusing for me. After I spent the evening teasing Master I knew he would be upset with me for crashing as soon as I got home. Granted it was way later than I have been up on the past and I had a feeling I’d wear out. I didn’t expect him to come into the bedroom and force himself on me. It is his right to take what he wants and I was okay with it, until he starts cramming his fingers roughly in my ass, and then proceeds to try and get his dick there. I was on full alert, in pain, crying and felt so objectified that I went beyond enjoying being used to hating it. I swore at him when he asked me what was wrong and abruptly stopped an left the room. I cried awhile and then fell fast asleep. He came back in; laid with me and gave me a choice: a blow job or ass fucking. I didn’t care that he had just cleaned his dick I was not putting it my mouth. I opted for the later if he would please make sure I was relaxed first. Object yet again I laid there and didn’t move. I didn’t care at that point what happened, I just wanted sleep.
Saturday was then very tense as I was still trying to comprehend what went on the night before. I admit I was also angry at him. He apologized for hurting me and I stayed grumpy until I went and took a nap; which he thought was crazy. I came out a bit better off and I think he was thankful of that.
I’m still trying to analyze my feelings about Friday and why it hit me like it did. I’ve always told him I love it when I’m just an object and he can use me as his slut whenever he wanted. So why did this event have to have such an emotional tearing of my heart and mental anguish I am still feeling today?
–luna
kit
Sarah
Mara Tudor
Coyote's Kitten
His mija
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I think probably the reason you’re so hurt is because the reality of it is that he used you as his slut whenever he wanted. I know that for me, there’s a conditioner in there.. like “as long as I’m not in a bad emotional place to handle it”. or “as long as it’s in the realm of our loving domestic relationship”. And maybe in your mind you had a conditioner as well even with out knowing it. “Like, you can use me as your slut whenever you want and I’ll be able to handle it as long as it’s sort of in this realm of understanding we have about our consensual relationship” or something. I know that it’s hard to separate those feelings out sometimes because maybe we’re not “supposed to” as slaves or whatever. But I know that there’s a reality and a fantasy for me and when Master and I aren’t on the same page in that way it leads to some types of hurt.
I know a lot of people might say “well, suck it up, you’re a slave..” but I can’t say that. If something is emotionally hurting me, I can’t just put it out of my mind and get on with it. Luckily, Master knows that and never expects me to.
*Hugs*
Kitten