BDSM is Love

kaya mentioned something in her post about her nailing fantasy that struck me as something I can talk about. A lot of what she does and says is way beyond my comprehension or realm of understanding. I’m just not that deep yet. But this really spoke to me. She said that as she was preparing for her nailing to a board that she kept coming up with surface fears. Surface fears aren’t really fears per se; they are more like shallow worries that you express when you are under emotional strain. In her case it was the pending nails through her breasts into a board.

In a less painful way I can relate. It’s all anal for me. I have so many surface fears when it comes to my ass that a lot of times it will make what would have been a pleasant experience downright horrible. I’d worry about the mess, if I was clean, what would happen when he pulled out, the pain (which was always so minimal), the lube drying up, not enough lube, too much lube, burning sensation and the list could go on. All of these things would clutter my mind and I’d not let myself just enjoy the moment.

In kaya’s scene her Master was able to let her express her surface fears and the discard them as idle worry. He was still preparing her mentally for what was about to happen. I’m sure my Master does that too but I don’t notice it. He can tell when it’s a valid fear and something that can pass almost unnoticed.

I respond differently if it’s a real fear more than a surface fear. I don’t doubt everyone does. I real fear would have me sweating buckets, shaking, fight or flight or breaking down to cry, scream or moan uncontrollably. This would certainly be alarming. But in the other hand a surface fear is more like a worried look, a bit of the lip, a constant what if mantra and nothing that can’t be overcome with relaxation.

Yesterday’s anal sex was fantastic. I was able to set aside my surface fears and just enjoy the feeling of being taken in that way. It really is pleasurable and I need to stop being repelled by it because I think it’s awesome. Hopefully my analysis of my own surface fears will help me.

–luna