To Continue a Thought
To continue on the same thread that has been swimming around this blog for the past week; Master and I had a discussion about my eagerness to say no and what it means for our relationship. If you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been having problems with obedience. Master tells me he wants something and I outright say no or I put it off until it just can’t be put off any longer. This obviously makes Master quite upset.
If I’m to continue growing and becoming as I wish to be I need to break down this wall. I have to understand what is going on when he asks me something; which is what he does. He doesn’t demand or insist, it’s always a polite request. Most of the time I don’t even blink and just say no. I don’t give it any thought. I just don’t want to do it. Well hell, now that is definitely error #1. Why don’t I want to please him? Why is it always sexual things that are the big hang up?
I don’t have any good excuse; I’m out of reasons as to my outright denial of service. It’s not like he doesn’t care for me or that I’m left to my own devises ever. He’s always been right there for me, so why can’t I be there for him when he wants me to be?
There are a few flaws or shall we say concerns on both sides. First is with the delivery of the request. I guess I could say that I don’t take him very seriously or find that the way he asks for things make them priority. It’s almost like he’s saying, “When you have time, I’d like a blow job.” No where in there is there a time frame for completion even though he has expressed that when he asks for something he wants it rather immediately.
Second flaw is how I respond. I don’t even think about what he is asking me and what it could mean for the betterment of our daily relationship. I just respond with the easiest thing for me; the answer that would inconvenience me the least. God that sounds so horrible doesn’t it, but it’s true. I’m in an attitude right now that is very condusive to a dying relationship; not a living thriving one. I can’t allow myself to fall to far behind; if I loose his collar again I don’t think there is any going back. I have to work to keep this one and I’ve not been doing that.
The final flaw in this is the punishment for my lack of obedience. Currently there is none. He gets grumpy and huffy for awhile but that’s all there has been lately. Tonight he asked me what I’d think is an appropriate punishment. First I was baffled. Why in the world would you ask me? 1.) I don’t want to suggest punishment because I’d be really good at suggesting what I would absolutely hate. 2.) I don’t think a submissive should be choosing her own punishments. 3.) I feel that the discipline side of things should be all his domain. I give that control over to him gladly. I just hate the idea of me being in charge of my own punishment.
Now I understand his question of wanting to know what I think would be suitable. Really I’m at a roadblock. The things that run through my mind are all things I’ve either read about on other blogs or that I have thought up myself. Perhaps I could make Master a list of all the punishments I can think of and he can play “close your eyes and point” when I need to be punished?
Okay so that was being a smart ass and I’m sure I’ll get railed for that but I’m at a standstill with punishment. It should not be my decision but he’s really pissed off at me for not coming up with anything for him; like he doesn’t know what he should do either. And if that is the case, what in the world do we do? Stare at each other till someone blinks?
Now the real issue here is that I am not obedient all the time. In fact it’s slowly gotten worse. I’ll show off in front of lifestyle people, but behind closed doors I’m terrible. I don’t keep it in the forefront at all and it really should be there. I’m asking for some help from anyone that wants to offer advice. How do you keep your Dominant partner’s pleasure and happiness in the forefront when so much goes on that crowds your mind? How can I change myself to become more aware of things around me that I could do to enhance his daily life?
I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing it? When did I become more important? Do all submissives have this problem or is it that I’m just not fitting into the mold? Why can I come up with more questions than answers?
–luna
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thisgirl
bahar
Beth
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When I picked out what I wanted in the living room, I went...
i’ve been at a similiar block. What i realized (and still haven’t gotten good at actually DOING) was that i was forcing the idea of how things SHOULD be onto someone who couldn’t read my mind. i wanted to be this perfect, absolute thing, and i’m just not meant to be perfect.
i also had problems with not feeling good enough - sounds cliche, no? Play the why game with yourself. Ask yourself a question, and give the first answer that comes to mind. Now…ask why. Example (taking a question of yours): Why is it always sexual things that are the big hang up? Because i don’t feel like he REALLY wants me. Why? Because i feel unattractive. Why? Because i’m fat. Why? Because i don’t take care of myself. Why? Because i don’t feel like i’m worth it.
You get where this is going….it’s not a particularly fun game, but it’s rather enlightening if you can be honest with yourself. =)
Hi there,
Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on and you may be overthinking it. You might want to consider really working on changing your mindset to another perspective such as “Would you steal his wallet? Probably not. Why steal anything else he’s entitled to?”
Another perspective is that it seems many sub/slave/bottom identified types want their service dragged out of them with punishment and consequences. It requires a whole lot more effort to ask you nicely, wait for your decision, counsel you, follow up and administer a punishment than it does for you to give a blow job. So who is serving who? I think its nice that he’s willing to spend the time hashing out a really simple request and why it can’t be met.
While I appreciate you mention not wanting to lose the collar again (again being a key word since you know he can and will release you). Your actions really aren’t in alignment with that. I’m not saying that you need to be perfect, but you do seem to be stumbling over issues that could be far more complex than they are. You might want to try being in his shoes and think about the rejection of “no” from your “slave” and how motivating you might find that treatment.
I’m not harshing on you at all, I tend to just be straightforward and I think you know me well enough to know that. Some of the most valuable advice I’ve ever been given has been another slave thumping me in the head. I hope you take it in the spirit offered.
I am puzzled. There are all kinds of submissives, but I don’t get the sense that you really want to be doing this. You are always making excuses and promising to do better. Why keep on this merry-go-round? Perhaps you two should take a break from the attempts at D/s and see what there really is between you. Just a suggestion.
And, (and this is meant kindly), you should seriously consider a trial of an antidepressant.
[...] over think the situation. I need to play the ‘why’ game with a few of the questions in the previous post. I know what Master wants, what stops me from doing [...]
Ditto what Suze said … you hit the nail on the head. I think something in your past makes you feel like you need to be a submissive, but you really are a strong, independent woman.
There’s nothing wrong with being strong and independent AND being a submissive. Something about the cliche of docile and dependent == submissive makes me want to gag.
No you aren’t alone. Part of my problem right now is the fact that my Master refuses to punish me. He says that I am a grown adult, not his child and that if I want to be dominanted then I should act the part. In a way I see his point but in another it seems like a cop out too.
I have been struggling with submiting myself and obeying. Good luck in turning it around.