BDSM is Love

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From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you…’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt…It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ” -Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

There are a lot of things that I think about on a daily basis; from what to eat, to how to behave, where I put my keys to will I ever make it. ‘Making it’ is more about reaching my ultimate goal– being the submissive that is perfect for Master. I wasn’t made the perfect mate for Master. I’m having to learn bit by sometimes painful bit. We chose each other because we found a lot of things in common, but also that we were blank canvases for each other.

I was very new in D/s, fresh out of my first few play relationships and knew that the physical side of BDSM I loved completely and never wanted to ignore again. The desire to please was there in those moments and I found them to be perfect. I was perfect in those moments. I never mouthed off, I stayed still when told not to move and I performed beautifully. This was how I thought a D/s life was going to be.

Then I started talking to others and reading some very prominent blogs in the blogosphere. Some of them still exist, and others have faded into memory. I learned that, well, submissives were still human and had very normal lives really. They made dinner, took out the trash and had good and bad days. There were times of back-talking, disobedience and general bad behavior. My first lesson on being real was learned when I read about a slave’s daily routine that seemed really ordinary to me, but they way she expressed all that she does and how she adds small touches here and there to amplify that what she does is for her Master. It was beautiful, it was normal routine and it was real.

When the decision was made that Master would come over from the UK to be with me I was excited. I wanted the physical right away but also the deep desire to live a submissive life outside of the sex play was growing in me. Thankfully Master saw that and wanted to develop it. Not long before he arrived he had already imposed rules for adjusting my behavior more to his liking. When he arrived he added more rules. We got to know one another and ‘broke’ each other in. Master and I were comfortable with each other and it was beautiful.

One day Master approached me with his plan to develop me into the submissive he sees that I could be and I was scared. Was it going to be hard? Was it going to hurt? Was it going to change who I was on a base level? Over all this fear and questioning was a heartbeat. The heartbeat of my dreams realized. I wanted this; badly. No matter how hard I had to work I knew that I could make it.

I’ve been working towards the desired result for almost 3 years now. I’ve come a long way if you read my archives. I have a long way to go. But as the velveteen rabbit had to learn, it doesn’t happen all at once and yes, sometimes it hurts. I’ll get there though and that’s the good part.

It won’t be shiny and new anymore. It will be comfortable and stable, broken in and exactly the way it was intended. My submission will be for Master alone and built just for him. I will have become ‘real’.

–luna

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