I’ve looked back through the archives lately and notice a trend. I’ve been working on some sexual training for near on 6 months! From blow jobs, to spontaneity and finally nipple clamps. It’s all to please Master and from what I can tell, progress is either non-existent or very very small. Perhaps there are things keeping me from doing what I know would ultimately please me; because I’m all about making Master happy. (shouldn’t anyone?)

Blow jobs. There’s actually been progress here. At least I think so. I used to say no all the time. Now I say it less. I used to refuse to swallow, now I just gag, spit or beg to be allowed not to. It may not look like much, but I’m working on it. I know the next step is to volunteer for this, to ask him if I may please him that way. I don’t know if I’m mentally ready though. I’ve not been a fan of blow jobs for quite some time. I can’t say I loved them ever in the past. They were just something I did, I tolerated and with new men, I enjoyed giving them. Master hates that last point.

Another thing is that I have to be in the mood to give a blow job or the result will be a mediocre one. He says these are just not satisfying and of course he wants another one almost immediately. Yeah, I know that I will have to do things I don’t want to do, but right now mood is a stumbling block I have. Who’s perfect?

Spontaneity. I’ve never been a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl. I plan everything. Things that don’t appear to have been planned have ultimately gone through the cogs of my brain and been planned. I make lists. To do lists, done lists, wish lists, grocery lists, cleaning lists, food lists… you name it I’ve probably made a list of it. The challenge for me is to complete the list; and even a grocery list is never completely selected from. I’m great with planning, terrible with follow through. So, back to sex. If I have planned some sex or another hot erotic activity there is a high likelihood that I will back out. I chicken out, I decide I’d rather do something else (and never anything as much fun).

I’m an expert at talking myself out of something. The internal monologue is very lazy oriented. I’d rather do nothing than make an effort to do the basic necessity things. It’s sad to say, really it is. It has nothing to do with being a submissive and all to do with a) how I was brought up and b) what I chose to do now that I’m an adult. I have no real good excuses but I have a lot of bad ones that seem to win over my thinking. I need to be more positive in my choices and if I’m more active then I’m sure I’ll feel better about what it is that I chose to do and not do.

Nipple clamps. I have never liked them. My first pair were a set of alligator style. I had trouble getting them on my nipples and when they were there they would come off on their own because they couldn’t get a good grip. Then I got some cheap plastic weighted ones with larger alligator clamps and those are still the easiest to put on, tolerable to wear and pretty too (they have plastic weights like beads and jewels on them). The clover clamps that we got not long ago are terror in metal. They are instant pain, I fear them being tugged on and worse I am scared to death of the feeling when they come off. It’s just overall a bad experience. Before the Memorial Day play party we went to Master had them out for the party bag and I took them out and hid them. I must have hid them well because I can’t find them anymore. I have no clue where I put them. Our only thought is that I either lost them or Maximus the cat who likes shiny objects has snatched them and hid them in his hoard. I’ve lost earrings and Master has lost batteries to this obsession of his. I like the second idea because I don’t want to blame me; most likely it is I who lost them.

Any way you look at it, it’s my fault that things aren’t well in sex land. I have to work on it, I have to make myself work on it. The best advice I’ve ever had was actually diet advice but it applies here. “Fake it til you make it.” I need to pretend that I love things, pretend that I’m in the mood until the mood strikes me. This may change my attitude toward some things; although I can’t guarantee.

–luna