kiana made a good point in a comment on my last post. I’m not very positive thinking. I’ve heard it before, on this blog and in person and it comes as no surprise. I’ve always been pessimistic about everything. It causes me to worry about anything, to assume the worst in events and people and to not be very positive about myself either. I don’t like that I’m a negative person, but I’ve never done anything about it.

Master says that it affects some of what he asks of me and that my pessimistic attitude really drags him down. He is complete opposite. He’s optimistic to a fault and we could be living in the poor house and he’d find something positive about it. I don’t know how he does it. If I had but a small amount of what he has I’d be a bright cheery individual.

I don’t even know how to go about changing my attitude. It’s not like a correspondence course exists, or an online therapy group. I know that just like all my other issues, I have to do the work. I’m willing to do the work, I really am. I will go to the ends of the earth to please Master. I’d love to be happier and stress less. It can be done. How do I start?

When it comes to the sexual things I talked about on Wednesday it really does matter that I’m negative about it all. Master has an huge fount of patience and while I do get under his skin on occasion he still shows that he’s willing to watch me work on it, as long as I feel that there is progress and that he can see results. I’ve been having internal conversations with myself about the whole blow job thing as I know Master is still waiting and I think I’ve worked out the bigger kinks in my mind. Now I can’t say that I’ve permanently repaired what happened to my thinking about blow jobs but at least it could get them back on the menu when sex is concerned.

It’s funny how some things turn out to be both people waiting… the spontaneousness? Well I thought that Master also wasn’t enticing me into having sex either, turns out he was waiting for me to show interest, any interest. I think this is another area that if I start he will follow through and it’s probably the easiest for me to do.

I have this perception that my submission is all about idleness. I sit idle until I am requested of. So, my sexual desires are cool until Master shows an interest. Well… that’s not the case, now is it? I read blogs all the time that the submissive is almost feverish with desire and willing to express it however they can. Why can’t I do that? Why not? I just have to do it. I will feel lust and love and hopefully express that to Master when I can. I used to watch a lot of porn. Some of it is quite hot and I do get excited by it. I used to write naughty stories too. I just don’t know where it all went but as soon as Master arrived it stopped. Hmmm.

So, here’s a few new goals for me:

• Think of positive things in my life, write them down and expound on them.
• Stir the desires and show Master how lustful I can be. There is ALWAYS time for desire.
• Try to find things to help me change my negative attitude. Post resources on Luna’s Lessons.

We’ll see how this goes. I’ll try and update these in a month’s time. That should be a long enough time to see if progress has been made.

–luna