All a Matter of Thought
I have a writing assignment that actually was supposed to be done during my vacation week but it slipped my mind and now I’m working on it. Well, I’m thinking about it. I’m not really sure what I should say exactly. I have so many ideas swimming in my head but something is holding me back.
The question is, “Describe a ritual or service that you’ve heard/read about that you would like to implement in our relationship.”
Now, sure I have a lot of things that I’ve read about that I’d love to try and incorporate something like it into our personal D/s. I’m sure I could get terrific ideas from all of you (hint). I’ve achieved so much so far and moved closer to the perfect submissive for Master and am eager to do more.
Here’s what’s holding me back. I’ve looked at my rules list lately and I’m failing on several of these. Why would I want to add more to my list of things to do if I can’t accomplish what I already have on my plate. I understand why he wants me to answer this question; I love ritual and symbolism and he and I are certain that it helps center me emotionally and mentally.
I talk about being better all the time but I make no attempt to progress. My failure to improve irritates Master but other than be irritated I haven’t been chastised. I don’t think it’s in Master’s nature. He’s more the patient type and will watch me come around on my own.
That’s what I’m worried about. What if it takes me a really long time to get where I need to be to do these basic things for him? Why am I constantly struggling with myself? On three occasions this weekend I looked at Master and thought, “Oh I’d love to give him a blow job right now and show him that I can make him very happy without his asking.” Why didn’t I get my ass up and go do it? That negative self talk. I talked myself out of it. I need to cut it out, badly.
The good thing about this issue is that a month ago I probably wouldn’t have even had the thought or desire to do it. I’m glad it’s getting that far, but I’m ready to make the next step.
–luna
I'm luna, KnyghtMare's submissive since 2004. I'm a BBW with brown hair and blue eyes. I've been married, separated, almost divorced now; living with my Master.
Master placed his permanent collar on me January 27, 2006. I'm learning and growing into the perfect submissive for him. I'm changing my behaviors, my attitude and my thought processes to become a better person.
This is an adult blog. If you get offended to talk of sex, sexuality and BDSM, please turn back now.
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You make an interesting comment about rituals and symbolism. They can be so powerful and evocative in creating an atmosphere and state of mind. Rules have to be part of the type of relationship you aspire to and I think that devotions like that can help bond the rules and your feelings as a submissive into a cohesive whole. IMHO of course
Alright Missy! I'm going to put it out there…because being blunt is just part of my nature. When I first started researching more information about the D/s relationship I was hard pressed to find anything that gave me any personal insight - it was all the porn / sex POV. Your blog was the first to give me an emotional perspective. I spent many hours reading about how you began this journey and how you've grown. And I make it a point to check your site nearly every day. However, in the last few months your attitude about yourself and your relationship has been very poor. And it's not only discouraging to me (and likely your Master too), but most importantly to you. YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE Luna. I don't say it to be mean, I say it because you need to hear it. I've been where you are. Weight and self confidence have and always will be a struggle for me. But I've learned that when I set my mind to it and start acting instead of saying I can accomplish anything. And even the smallest steps in the right direction feed my progress. I've lost 50 lbs since the start of the year and have a little less than 50 to go until I reach my goal weight. It's been hard as hell and it's taken me at least 4 - 5 years to get to the point I actually started doing something about it. I thought a lot about what I want and why I want it. I cannot wait for someone else to push me. YOU cannot wait for your Master to force the issue of you doing the best for YOU. Make it happen for YOU Luna. You have so many people who care about you and want nothing but the best, and I count myself among those people. I think a good writing project for you would be to make a list of goals - pros and cons - and a list of what is holding you back. Start with the old fashion brainstorm diagram and let any and every random thought that comes to mind branch from that initial bubble in the center of the page. Then organize them and run with it. Finally…Post it. Post it in the bathroom on the mirror (I even laminated and posted it in the shower), post it on the fridge, post it on the wall near the TV…. Include photos from the past when you felt good about yourself - photos that make you smile. And if possible, purchase a dry-erase calendar with the months horizontal - showing a full year. Every day for 3 months I logged the exercise I did with an E, food goal with an F, and so forth. I kept a log and gave myself monthly weigh in and tape measurement dates to follow my progress. I take photos regularly to see the differences I don't always notice in the mirror…and I make myself look at them to remind me of what I don't want to see and where I want to be. Seeing my progress was a HUGE motivation. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I believe in you. I am happy to help and can email you some additional information if you're interested (you have my email). In the meantime, I certainly hope you sit down and work on a writing project that is not negative and gets you closer to the woman you want to be. Everything else will fall into place. (=
Not sure if my last post went through. I'm going to email you some helpful information through yahoo. (=