BDSM is Love

Today it is all about my attitude. Not that I’m a smart mouth and need it slapped clear off my face, but that I’m very negative. Master has always seen that in me and so have many of the readers of my blog. I don’t want to be negative and can’t really understand why I’m so down on life and worry so much about things I can’t control. I’d have to say that I don’t think even Master knows to what extent I plan for the impossible, improbable and unlikely to happen.

For example, I really hate driving. I was practically shoved behind the wheel at 17 when my mom said, “enough is enough, you have your license now get out there and drive your sister to the dance.” It was 6 blocks of sheer terror for me. I expected everything to go wrong and it went over and over in my head as I put it into reverse, pulled out of the parking space and then merged into traffic. Things like flat tires to accidents and death. It was all there. I couldn’t convince myself otherwise that I would make it to school and then home safe.

And it stuck with me. I’m sure I was negative before that but this is a moment I relive and am certain that the negativity in this change of my life is exactly what I have going on everyday since. I still hate driving. I don’t picture the things that could happen all the time; but I do with alarming frequency. Vivid visions of what would happen if I didn’t go around this curve just right, flying past a deep ravine and wonder if anyone would find me if I ended up down there, the deer jumping in my path… It’s all been there. But it goes further than that. My mind goes into how would Master find out something happened, how’d he get to the hospital, how bad would it be, what happened if I died… yes, it gets that bad.

And here is where most people say I need therapy. Maybe I do. Therapy has never worked for me. I’ve been to 6 therapists over the course of my life. They all turn to my weight and eating habits within 3 months and I can’t see what that has to do with my thoughts and emotions because while I know I have some emotional eating, that has all dwindled since I met Master. I admit; one therapist worked. The marriage counselor that my ex and I went to. She helped me change a bit. I was so very bossy and while I catch myself at it now and again, I’ve learned not to be. I also learned how to express how I feel without accusing the other person. “I feel….” sentences instead of “You do this” or “You make me feel”. That has worked wonderfully even now when I need to express something to Master and it’s hard for me.  But, right now Master is the only therapy I can afford and it’s worked wonders with many things in my life I’m sure he can work this one out too.

On to the way I’m going to try to handle this one; since it’s a toughy and it has been with me a very long time is this:

• Find online articles about developing a positive attitude and outlook.
• Read about stress relief and getting rid of worrying.
• Relax! God I need to stop being so tense about the littlest things.
• Continue to try to not take work home with me.
• Others?

–luna