BDSM is Love

I’ve not been feeling quite myself lately. I went to bed at 7pm last night, without dinner and slept albeit fitfully for the entire night. I’ve been having problems sleeping I’ve noticed but can’t pin down a source to my frequent waking at night. It’s never enough for me to get out of bed for, but I’m awake, I feel awake, and then I drift off to sleep again. I’m constantly aware of how the covers are, where the cat(s) are and if Master is in bed with me. He’s a night owl, if I haven’t mentioned that recently. I hope I can get decent sleep soon as I have so much I’d rather be doing!

I cleaned out my front closet yesterday and tossed 4 garbage bags full of stuff. And that’s exactly what it was, just stuff. Stuff I thought I’d use, or want in the future but never took out of the box, or storage container, some stuff still had tags on it. How valuable is it to me if I’ve never even seen it since purchase? Nope, not keeping it in my house. I have decluttered it. Next item on the chopping block is my corner bookshelf. It has board games and resource books from my college days on it. They are collecting so much dust and cat hair that the thing looks alive. I’m not tossing those items, but they are going into storage until I’m ready to toss them or give them a better home. (Maybe when we have a larger apartment, they will have a permanent home.)

I feel so disorganized lately. I’ve realized that my normal organizational skills have shriveled and I desire to be cleaned up and know where everything is. I used to be able to tell you where all my bills were, what’s been paid and when… now I couldn’t tell you more than I got the gas bill last week and it’s somewhere in the pile of things on my desk. My desk is such a pile that I have not sat at it with my laptop in over 2 weeks. It’s got to go.

At work I have two current issues. First I’m scatterbrained. I am more organized there than at home but there are times I ask the same questions more than once because I forgot what the answers were, my to do lists aren’t as detailed and so I wonder why I wrote some of the things I did, what they meant at the time and so forth. My second issue is that I’m very bored. My job has settled into the same thing every day; there are no new surprises, no exciting things to try, no training to give, nothing. I sit at my desk more often than ever now and I’m afraid of what may become of my desire to work at this job. I love the company, the work was very exciting at first and it had a lot of diverse learning requirements. Now I’m not going anywhere and I feel restless. I don’t want to leave this job but I don’t want to continue doing nothing new all day. I can’t stand same-old same-old. I need variety and challenge. That’s all dried up here.

Can I get paid more for something elsewhere? Most likely. Do I want to leave the wonderful benefits package and decent schedule behind? Not really. But can I be happier somewhere else? Maybe I’m the type of person that can only be happy at a job while they are learning it, as it stays challenging? Once the challenge is gone I need something else? It could just be a phase I’m going through. I hope it’s just a phase. I hate job hunting and the job market really sucks right now.

I’m guilty of not doing well with my diet plan and this gets me down but I’m not doing a darn thing to change that so I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much. Just 20 lbs ago I was feeling so much healthier and happier. If I could get back there, and soon, I know I could keep going. Yeah, well I’m miss negative lately. We’ll see how I do.

–luna