BDSM is Love

Master had me take a sleeping pill last night to help me sleep. I didn’t stay asleep as I had hoped but I think the sleep I did get was more restful. I don’t feel as tired today. Thank God.

Master and I have started a bit of a sexual banter with each other. This is more than just ‘I wanna fuck when you get home’ stuff. It’s really a turn on and I only wish we had started this sooner. I think I’m going to love it! I feel more sexual and desirable and in turn it makes me more horny. Plus on both sides, don’t you think?

I’ve come to the hard conclusion today that I’m not going to lose weight the way I’ve been at this. I’m all haphazard and not trying at all. If I’m going to get down 40 lbs by the end of this year I have a long way to go. I need to knuckle down and bear the hard days ahead, the hunger, the aching muscles and the annoyance of tracking every single thing I eat. I’ve been so bad that I expect that Master will be punishing me for it on Sunday. There’s no getting out of it now. I’m screwed.

So, how am I going to get to work on eating right and getting 30 minutes of exercise everyday? I haven’t a clue. I know I felt more obligated to keep going when I kept a diet blog and posted in it every single day. I’ve pondered doing it here or over on SparkPeople where I will be tracking my food and exercise. I’m not sure where yet but I know I need to do it. The WordPress.com blog is coming down. I don’t need another place to blogAdmitting every failure and success should help me stay focused on the goal… size 24 by the end of the year! Ultimate goal of size 16! For you pound folks, that’s 125 lbs. Yes I’m that overweight.

I’ve had so many people say to take it slow, but I think that is part of my problem. I’m thinking if I go slow I’ll still lose and what I need to do is really dig in and dig in deep. I need to deny myself the sweets I crave, the fatty salty foods. I need to say no. As I get better and lose weight I can slowly allow myself these things again. I will constantly say it isn’t fair, I know that. I will struggle. I will ache. My heartburn will come back. I must struggle through it. I must succeed.

You’ve heard it here before. I only hope that this is the last time I have to start over again. It’s painful, It’s depressing and I have to yet again admit defeat, dust myself off and climb back on board. I hate this part. I really do.

Starting now I will reorganize my priorities. My priorities must center around Master and my health. If they don’t they aren’t at the top of the list anymore.

–luna