A Myth Newcomers Should Be Aware Off
Reading a Fetlife thread has me thinking about myths that newcomers seem to think about when they learn about BDSM and especially the D/s lifestyle. One in particular that I’ve seen recently….
The lifestyle is not an excuse to sleep around with as many people as possible. It’s not set up like a kid in a candy store. Yes you can find play partners that are willing to meet for casual play, but it’s just that… play. You can not develop a lasting meaningful relationship that is just play.
If you intend on calling yourself submissive or Dominant and are looking for a relationship then it must be entered with honesty and trust and openness. The partner you seek has a heart and traipsing all over it and using them will not get you far. It’s not about the number of notches in your bedpost. It’s about give and take. It is not about demanding all from someone and giving them nothing in return. You have to know what you want and need and then also what your partner wants and needs. You have to be able to give those things to your partner.
Take things slowly. Get to know the person as a person first, Dominant/submissive second. If the relationship is based on play there is no solid foundation to stand on because you can always get play (see the 2nd paragraph). Your role may require sacrifice.
A submissive should not have to be forced into submission; that is too taxing on a Dominant. The exchange must be between two willing partners. You can’t just say, “Make me submissive, force me to behave,” and expect the Dominant to comply. You have to want it. If you are not willing to meet the Dominant half way and be obedient then they have no reason to meet you half the time and give commands.
A Dominant should not be domineering. You should not have to push and shove to get someone to be obedient to your wishes. A Dominant should be the strength and backbone of the relationship, but should also experience peace. A forceful bratty sub does not make a Dominant happy, only stressed.
A D/s relationship is not all roses. You must tend the garden for the flowers to bloom. The fantasy does not exist. You can not kneel for all hours of the day and expect the be able to get up and fetch their coffee whenever one snaps their fingers. There will not always be a submissive waiting your every beck and call. You can however, mold the dream around your life. You can make parts of it fit with what you do everyday and that can become the new fantasy.
–luna
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When I picked out what I wanted in the living room, I went...
Greenwoman
Excellent advice for both sides of the D/s M/s power exchange.
JarlMezentiuss last blog post..I Want To Know
Very well said, there is much more to D/s than sex and bedpost notches.
Ah luna, how I wish every single newbie out there on both sides of the equation were given just exactly what you wrote, the second they decide to join the scene somehow.
Reading all the no-nos you listed made me flash back to my own path so many years ago, when I was a curious submissive first entering this wild wonderful world called BDSM. I came across so many dangerous wannabe-Doms who were simply domineering men, who thought only their pleasure was of any importance. Luckily I had some native intelligence and avoided most of the more obvious ones.
Going to Fetish Nights here in town today, I see the players that you mention at times…thinking it’s all about getting lots of sex. Some of them actually find others to play with…and many simply go home frustated.
Wish we could send them all to a BDSM 101 Course somewhere and knock some sense into their heads!
Food for thought indeed.
Great post.
Angel