BDSM is Love

This holiday weekend was pretty good overall. Friday and Saturday were great. I could have traded Sunday in for something better.

First Master and I got to really go at each other sexually and I was hungry for it all. I did a striptease and blow job for him in the living room which he said was really hot. I may have to try that again because I had fun with it too. I wore a sexy red nightie that I know drives him wild on its own and then picked some good dancing music that I knew I could get lost in if I tried. I’ve been reading about how to give a good striptease in preparation so I pulled out my straight backed chair and used that as a prop for the dance. I tied his hands behind his back so that he wasn’t tempted to touch me. I wanted this to be all about me teasing him.

It was great. I ignored the nagging feeling in my mind about my size and how it might look as I gyrated as if I were only 120 lbs and not 300. He was eating it up and that’s all that mattered. I tried to keep eye contact throughout the dance because I knew that would be so hot! I danced for 3 songs before I got down on my pillow and started teasing and sucking him. It didn’t take long before he was coming for me.

Saturday we were going to take some pictures for the potential porn site, but that fell through. Instead he wanted to get me into object space and fuck my face. In any other headspace that is really hard for me as I tend to be too attached emotionally and I get very scared and cry easily.

Master tied me into a crotch rope with a butt plug and dildo inside of me and had me get on all fours and then on my side. My name was whore throughout the exchange and I think that really helped me get to that space where it didn’t matter what he did to me. I detached from my emotions and he used me. It was all so great.

Afterward he took care of me, bringing me back to normal space and holding me for the longest time telling me how good I was and that I’m such a good girl. I needed that, the connection to restore my emotional space. It was a really good scene.

And then Sunday…

I woke up with hopes to get a lot accomplished but it became apparent that after the first half hour I wasn’t going to do anything. I just felt blah, like nothing would entertain me, nothing would get done and I was beyond bored. Master was worried and kept checking in on me as I just stood in the middle of the living room, or sat on the couch watching tv. I wish there was a magic pill for those times. I don’t know if it was sub drop or if it was related to my new anti-depressants working on my synaptic nerve endings in my brain.

I’ve been on anti-depressants for just over a week and while the full affect won’t be felt for 3 weeks yet, Master says that he’s noticed a difference and it isn’t good. I’m touchier with the small stuff, I snap at him faster and I’m all over anxious. The pharmacist warned it would get worse before it gets better. I don’t even have a good mental filter right now like I usually do. I just say things without thinking about it first.

Like this week, I had a red mark in my punishment book. I got really rude and disrespectful to Master and for that I got 5 cane strokes last night. Hopefully I can control my emotions a bit better this week.

I am again trying to log my food and exercise in a journal. We’ll see how it goes. I go back to the Dr. for the results of all the tests I did next Tuesday. I’m to exercise 5 days a week and it’s so hard. I only did 3 days last week. I’ve got to do better this week.