Unbalanced Stability makes for a Balanced D/s Relationship
In kaya’s post about Stability in Dominants she brings up that she feels the Dominant in the relationship should be more stable than the submissive. The stability she lists are emotional, financial, career choice and mental. She also wanted to know if our standards for partners, especially Dominants, can be too high.
I’d like to say first that since each person’s preferences determines what our standards are then it is impossible for our standards to be too high. Now another person could consider someone’s standards too high and that’s just normal. But unless you yourself think you are looking for that needle in the haystack that doesn’t exist then your standards are perfect for you.
As far as ’shopping’ for a Dominant I do have to agree that it works better for the Dom if they are more put together and more stable. I am going to be more interested if you have a steady job, are able to take care of yourself (pay your bills, manage your money and your time), have hobbies and recreation that doesn’t involve lots of booze (this is a personal choice).
When I found my Master he was still very young and didn’t have everything settled in life. Neither did I. But I saw something in him that I hadn’t seen in previous men. He had plans with solid goals and a determination that my ex never had. I could see success in him. He wanted to take care of me. Even before he was here he sent me money to help care for me. It was not required of him, but he still did it.
For mental stability I have to admit that I am not mentally stable all the time. I struggle with nervousness, anxiety, depression and worry. He is my rock, he keeps me whole when the world is ripping me apart. Only he keeps me from falling into the pit of despair.
I have seen different styles of dominants and the ones that can’t seem to obtain the submissive they so desire are ones that have issues caring for themselves. Either they struggle to keep a home or job, they don’t carry any hobbies or recreation. Yet they lament that they do not have what they seek.
Unfortunately, even the honest worthy men in this group get tossed into the categories of wannabe or HNG long before the qualities they exhibit become obvious. This instability that people see first can could the judgment of that person.
The submissives I see that carry a lot of baggage are far more plentiful and yet they are not lacking in dominants to play with and care for them. I do not know if this is the way all over the place, I can only speak for the community that I see.
For me, my instability doesn’t seem like a huge hindrance to the relationship. It creates a constant need for strength and dominance out of my Master and I know it is taxing. I am capable of taking care of myself most of the time. Those times that I falter I like knowing that he is there to hold me up and take care of me.
Related Posts
Tagged as balance, relationships, stability + Categorized as Role Dynamics
4 Comments
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
-
What’s in a Name: Master | BDSM is Love
[...] manage yourself? This question can also be directed to Dominants and I’ve actually talked about this before. A Dominant person in a relationship should have more control over themselves and be even quietly [...]
Leave a Reply
This Blog uses gravatars! What is a gravatar?
I am not sure that anyone is fully stable all of the time. Nor do I believe that a good Dom is always more stable than the subs. It’s a great ideal, but in a long term relationship, life is going to have it’s twists and turns no matter how we identify ourselves.
That being said, it is very difficult to be a Dom if your life is in chaos. Not impossible, and it may work for some people, but it is an enormous challenge. Right now for example, I am not financially sound. I went through a very expensive divorce last year that destroyed my credit. Each day is getting better, but I am no where near the financial security I had a few years ago. This puts stress on our relationship, and it limits some of the props and fun we have but overall we make it work. Likewise, I have serious health struggles that occasionally include periods of depression and overwhelming physical pain sensations. During these times I rely more on Lilly for things than I would care to admit. I am not able to do an intensive scene and am not in any condition to do anything that could involve pain, because I am too wrapped up in myself to keep it safe. This is hardly ideal. It is however, life.
I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be. I am in a loving D/s relationship and we know each other very well. We are committed to one another and eager to make it work, even when I am too sore or fatigued or dealing with bad credit to do the best job I potentially can do. For lack of a better way to say it, as a Dome I need a safe word, too sometimes.
On the flip side of the coin, I know Dom’s who aren’t even remotely centered in their lives, who do not have enough to sustain themselves and generally do not have what it takes to give a sub what they need. There is a difference between going through a rough patch, and having life utterly out of control. I believe that the best Doms have self discipline conquered, so that what we are bringing into the lives of our subs is something we are fully involved with ourselves.
All of this is simply my own experience, and by no means a standard for judging others.
-Sir Areli.
[Reply]
Master is far from perfect, but he does have a job, a house, a car, etc. Sometimes he can be an emotional wreck and cry on my shoulder, and sometimes it’s me. Other times he’s absolutely the rock I need in my relationship.
It is true that the aspects that make for a good Dom are often the same ones that make him more stable. Still, I think the number one aspect in any Dom is confidence. And, often, it’s that very confidence that will lead to stability.
Am I making any sense? I feel like I can’t brain tonight, I have the dumb.
[Reply]
baby replied on July 23rd, 2008 2:52 pm:
No, I think you made excellent sense! I totally agree with the “confidence!”… great point made
[Reply]