BDSM is Love

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Basic Stats

Physical Features:

• Brown hair
• Blue eyes
• 6′ tall
• 300 lbs
• Facial dimples
• Freckles

Age: 30

Birthdate: October 24, 1977

Hobbies: Poetry, Spanish, Web development, Reading, Vampires, Learning, Cross-stitch/Emboidery
Marital Status: Separated (god I want to be divorced) and also collared to Master KnyghtMare
Family Data: 1 natural sister, 3 adopted brothers, 1 niece and 2 nephews, 1 godson
I’m very distant to my family though and any interaction to them is strained at best.

Who am I? What made me who I am? How have I made it to this crossroads? What does my future hold? These are all questions I have asked myself as I think about what the importance of who I am to those of Y/you who visit my garden.

I am and always will be a strong-willed person. No one has ever seen me back down from something that I feel needs to be achieved. I was born the first child in my family to seemingly loving parents. They raised me to respect myself at a very young age, and yet they tore it down at every possible moment. I dug myself into my schoolwork, my only escape from my home life. I joined after school events, clubs and volunteered to work anytime I could to be away from home.

My sister had a different idea of what to do to find an outlet, and today she regrets parts of it, but I hold her close to my heart, for she is my sister. My sister ran off to be with gangs of friends, drugs and sexual abandon was her way of coping. I never turned her away, but she slowly moved away from me, and now we hold a rather stinted relationship. I see her about twice a year, and send cards to her little boy often.

I also have two adopted brothers; at one point there were three. I still can’t say what the people were thinking to give my parents mentally and emotionally challenged children, but as a child you can’t control anything. The first one joined our home when I was 11. He was a quiet child, still slow in school. He brought with him many traumas and trials that I still to this day have no idea what they were. Two years later, my parents received an emergency placement of two brothers, which they subsequently adopted. The eldest was 9, the youngest 7. This brought my family to 7 individuals, struggling with life at different speeds, in a home that was so dysfunctional that it is no wonder that most of us turned out the way we have. Today, the eldest brother is nowhere to be found, he has hopped from one adult care facility to another since he was 18, the middle brother is in the Army, over in Iraq, and the youngest brother, is no longer a part of our family. He developed multiple personalities and the stress was just too much. The only mark he wears of the family he once had is our name.

I am not ashamed to say that I am a survivor of child abuse. Both of my parents were never afraid to hit, belittle, or emotionally abuse me whenever they saw fit. As a child I had to be so very strong, to protect myself as much as possible; to see my parents fight amongst themselves and then ultimately aim that anger at me. I protected my siblings from anything they might have seen, as I was the eldest child. I received the lion’s share. My life then was one of fear and emotional challenges; no child should have to go through. Today, my life is stronger, yet more aware of what is going on out there in our world. This is only because I have come to terms with my childhood, and forgiven my parents for what they did. That does not mean I do not still fear being with them from time to time, as that is still stressful. I know that no one is perfect, and even though they were not model parents, they are the only parents I will ever have.

Being a survivor of child abuse, certain things never go away. For me they are just limits in play that my Master will know about. For example, I fear belts, being gagged, and being yelled at. These are things that at first would have to remain hard limits, but after some time, I am sure that softer limits could be made of these fears, as I reconcile them with my past.

The years only got worse, and my parents finally separated and divorced my freshman year of school. My mother took my sister and me. Dad took the two youngest boys and the eldest brother went off to a mental facility.

I graduated 4th in my class in 1996, dreaming of going to college. During the summer I was kicked out of the house and lived in my junker car for the summer, in the parking lot of my job so that I could still work. The employees of the next door McD’s would come to wake me up daily and give me breakfast and allow me to use their washer and dryer for my uniforms. I lived the three months in my car with very little to do but think and read. This is when my interest in the BDSM lifestyle became something I thought about frequently, but didn’t really have the resources or the nerve to venture more into other than books, and movies, and my fantasies.

I entered college, and was shocked when I was in no way prepared to face this new life. Many kids have the same problem. I ran to the computer labs, a sanctuary for me. I stopped going to classes, and talked online all day long, from open to close. There I met a man that I fell in love with completely. He loved me for me. He didn’t care that I was a large woman that I had a struggle to survive. He wanted to be with me. We had a whirlwind romance and I was engaged to him only 2 months later. We married in 2000, but even then my mind and heart wasn’t really there. I was doing it so as not to loose a love, something that I was thriving on for quite some time. I saw him as my freedom. But as the years continued, the old fantasies came back to me, that I was missing something in my life that I wanted, and needed from someone. I spoke to my husband, and he said no. He wasn’t interested in the slightest at entertaining my fantasies. This is when I asked to search for someone online and he said that was fine, and to leave him out. The love had begun to crumble. How could I be with someone that wouldn’t afford me what I had been needing and desiring. I would feel incomplete till I found what I was looking for.

My decision to explore the D/s relationship stemmed from my need to have some care for me so deeply that I can surrender my all to them. With the D/s relationship, I can surrender that need for self-protection and strength to someone else. I feel it requires a stronger trust to do that than the average person. I have had my trust dashed many times with people I respected. I’m not saying that the average person can’t give their trust the same way. I searched the Internet for many resources, and spoke to anyone that would listen. I found that I was more interested than I had first thought, but didn’t know what role I really wanted to play. Exploring was the only option.

I explored online for 2 years; reading and writing, chatting and talking. All of this was so real to me. I was collared online for about 6 months. He taught me a lot about what I was craving, how to behave, what to expect. He brought me to the edge of reality. Then he let me go. He said that I needed to experience things for real now and that he could no longer teach me. This devastated me and set me free. I joined all the local groups, I joined all the online dating sites I could. I met people, I talked with real people and I knew I was in the right place. I played for the first time on my birthday 2004. It was the kiss of the future.

I orient myself as a submissive, however I believe that I could top in play and enjoy it immensely. I enjoy my pain, savor sexual torture and love intensity. I have a voracious appetite to learn and experience more and more so it keeps me active and on the look out for new and interesting things.

I have just started teaching myself the art of floggermaking and try things out whenever I can. I like to experiment with different materials and braiding as well as balance techniques. One day I hope to begin selling my creations, just as soon as they pass my exacting standards and I consider them quality work. Creativity is one of my strong suits and I spend my spare time stitching, beading, sewing, woodworking, floggermaking, other leatherworks and love my time spent in this way.

I have begun to feel my heart completed as that part of myself that remained empty so long is being filled. I have enjoyed the real life playing that I have had, and love the people that I’m meeting through local groups and munches. My life has been a roller coaster, where I have had more down times than up. I do feel that as a part of my whole self, I am a better person to have experienced what I did. I have more compassion for others, and can place myself in others’ shoes very easily. I’m 29 and a graduate of the University of Northern Iowa with a degree in Spanish.

I am recently re-collared by my Master Knyghtmare. He moved in with me October of 2004. If you’d like to know how we met, you can read it here. It has been a struggle to learn and grow with each other; to better myself and improve on what my dreams can be. It’s hard, it’s fulfilling and it’s exactly what I love.

This is my story in a nutshell.

–luna

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